<thought />

Had no transport available to me today so I had to take the taxi to and from school. It was a very.. interesting experience.

On the journey to school, the taxi driver was lethargic, to say the least. The traffic was pretty bad on the way to school and I noticed that the driver seemed to be slow to start moving after stopping and would only move after the angry blaring horns of the cars behind us prompted him to. During one of these stops, I looked over at the driver to see what was going on.

To my amazement he was nodding off in front of the wheel, his head angled down, eyes closed. I only realize now that this should have put me into panicohmygodimgonnadie mode, but at that time, I was only bemused by this fact. Quite worrying about what that says about my outlook on life. Happily (or unhappily, depending on what you think of me) I made it to my destination alive and in one piece. Come to think of it, I ought to have given the driver an extra 50 and told him to get himself some coffee.

The driver of the taxi I took to my house though was quite the opposite. He was ANGRY. By my count, he shouted out in anger to two people enroute (even lowering his window to facilitate the shouting) in addition to the curses he muttered at the traffic. The curses to the traffic I could understand, but was it really necessary to roll down his window to shout?

Public transport. Where every trip is a new adventure.

One of the things about intelligence gathering is that it needs to be analysed properly before being acted upon. I did not properly analyse the intel gathered and thus am quite stupid for worrying over it. Further intel gathered disproves earlier analysis.

Today at school I hanged out with my female classmates and someone brought along some lovey dovey stories printed out from the 'net. Your standard guy likes girl, guy never tells girl, guy dies before telling girl fare. Pretty predictable and cheesy, ending with exhortations of not puting off telling the one you love/like that you like her/him.

Shouldn't have bothered me much at all except for her presence. And another person saying how I should take heed of the lesson.

So that whole thing devolves into asking people about their crushes. And when asked about mine I say yes I have a crush, I just don't want to reveal her name. So jokingly they name the people around the table. And when it gets to her she says in jest, "If you're crushing me, I'll crushing you".

Uhm so... yeah...

Right, Lystra just dyed her hair but I'm beginning to suspect there's strange bimbofication chemicals that the manufacturers put into these things. Insidious chemicals full of intelligence killing "stuff" (I was trying to look up some sort of scientific explanation but meh) that seep into your cerebral cortex, turning you into some sort of zombie bimbo.

I think zombie bimbos would be quite awesomeness.

Sister was being quite a bimbo today, obsessing about her hair and generally talking like a bimbo so yeah. Maybe zombie bimbos wouldn't be quite awesome if you had to deal with them without killing them. *grudgingly puts shotgun away*

In other quite unrelated news, I unabashedly declare that 2005 will be quite the awesomeness year. Why? Three reasons. Firstly, C&H complete collection book 1; secondly, C&H complete collection book 2; and thirdly, C&H complete collection book 3. As you can tell, I'm pretty much psyched about this, so yeah. It will own so so so so much. I must begin saving up money for this, cause it will cost a dear USD $150. At current exchange rates, that works out to 8,450.25 pesos or SGD $249.39 or NZD $214.90. Geep!

I love Calvin & Hobbes so much. Back in Anderson, the school library had copies of C&H comics and I just loved reading those. I am quite embarassed for dishonouring the work of Bill Watterson however. The family car has one of those quite stupid decals of Calvin pissing on the fuel cap.

Oh, and for fans of both the Fight Club and Calvin and Hobbes. Be sure to read this essay that compares the Fight Club to C&H. Quite an illuminating article that juxtaposes the worlds of C&H and the Fight Club by making Fight Club a continuation of Calvin and Hobbes. A must read.

Oh, and I dyed my hair a really dark brown (chocolate according to the label). I would have picked good old black if I had a choice but the store didn't have black and it doesn't look that brown anyway.

PS: Dyed my hair cause I have too much grey hairs, not cause of vanity!

Scout report from the front:

SigInt indicating target has someone else in her sights. High command requires HumInt for better situational awareness before proceeding. Advise of strategical team to destroy target duly noted. Morale has been dampened by this piece of intelligence.

Ugh, and my subconcious sucks, for the past two days I've had strange dreams about her.

How my night went:

1. Buzzed
2. Really light headed
3. Stoned
4. Sober
5. Buzzed
6. WTF!
7. Asshole

Ten...

I bought her the present and after much angst gave it to her. I have no idea how she feels about it.

Nine...

She saw the comic in my file and read it aloud. So cute. Still she doesn't know.

Eight...

The cure... refused

Seven...

Her cell phone. Before I lost mine, I would still send her messages, even when I knew she'll never read them. Or maybe I sent messages because I knew she will never read them.

Six...

The longing...

Five...

I doubt she's even read it.

Four...

Why do I like her? I was asked that. I have reasons but I wonder if they're enough.

Three...

If I do not at least tell her, it will be another regret.

Two...

The high..

One...

"Things are easier when you don't feel anything." I'm tempted to draw back to the shadows.

Eleven. I am too scared to proceed. I really do not want to leave this part of my life with another regret. But my feelings.. I do not know what they are right now. In some moments I like her, in others my heart is cold. Her presence in my life has made me all confused. I attempt to take refuge in intellect but.. matters of the heart is such an irrational thing. Simplistic songs of love with cheesy lyrics... her existence makes me listen to them in new light. Irrational.

On my way to school today, a westlife song was playing on the radio. When I reached school, I had to duck into the restroom for a break down. Its strange that I would break down to a boyband song.

It just reminded me so much of my friends back in Singapore, of Heng Boon in particular. I will always have memories of him singing westlife songs raucously, of the bowling alley high fives, of his lan jiao song.

Now apparently he's seen the light of good music and has turned to acoustic guitars. Heh. A reason that I really regret losing my handphone is the messages from my friends that I've lost. I remember Boon's parting SMS to me. Lyrics of a westlife song. Damn shit :)

Thomas it seems has recieved his summoning letter for NS. Thats four lp'ers down. Sigh. I wish I could be serving NS. At least it would mean I am still back in Singapore with my friends.

Also, I saw Hesters MSN nick. Damn I miss Sentosa. I miss getting sunburnt, tired and buried on those beaches.

I'm ready to give up
Beauty
Ravish the ugly whore
Life

Truth holds no more tragedies
We're all to blame
Weep not for your heroes
They're all fucked

Damnit, if I write anymore of this tripe, I'm liable to start slitting wrists/throats. Not necessarily my own either.

What do you do when your muse has abandoned you? When your inspiration has dried up. I almost cried as I recalled the beauty of imagination:

As Every tells the story of Evermor: "When he was a child, Dr. Evermor witnessed a massive electrical storm with his father, a Presbyterian minister. Asked where lightning came from, his father told Evermor that such awesome power could come only from God. From that day on, Evermor dedicated his life to constructing an antigravity machine and spacecraft that would catapult him from the phoniness of this world to the ultimate truth and power of the next.

"Dr. Evermor believes that if he can ever figure out a way to combine magnetic force and electrical energy, he can propel himself through the heavens on a magnetic lightning force beam," Every said. "That glass ball inside the copper egg is his space ship. There's also an antigravity machine (made from an early X-ray machine), a teahouse for Queen Victoria and Prince Albert to observe the event, a telescope for bystanders to watch as Evermor flies off to his meeting with God, and a listening machine that will transmit Evermor's message back to Earth when he arrives at his ultimate destination."

I cannot invoke the muse anymore to write of things such as that. The everyday brings fleeting glimpses to beauty/tragedy yet I cannot bring myself to tap it, use it. I feel abandoned, alone.

How do you bring back inspiration? I've starved mine for far too long. I shall pretend this is a want ad in the newspaper.

Wanted: Muse. Old/New. Must be able to inspire broken spirit, imagination.

I'm not drunk, just buzzed. Went out to Eastwood tonight for dinner and coffee with the cousins and their family. As always, fun, but for the nth time in a row (I cannot recall right now), they gang up on me and turn the coffee conversation to my non-existent love life. Argh!

They had to leave early though, so my sister and I went to grab a couple of drinks. Eh, bier is s'okay. I personally don't see why people rave on about it. Although tiredness + alcohol has made my typing go kinda wonky now. I was about to type "Yousing" into IRC instead of "Using", so yeah.

I've had Vienna Teng's CD on constant loop for the second or third day already and it's still a joy to listen to.

<angst related to previous post not going here/>

I just had an impromptu chat on MSN with my old secondary/high school classmates from Sec 5/1. It was fun talking cock with them. Brought back memories of the chaos of that class. I've linked to Leon's blog. I'll add more as I find others (I think). Maybe I shall start Operation Reunite and try to contact as many people I can remember from my life back in Singapore.

Leon mentioned the story of Back to Philippines. I have a story/post churning in my head about coming back to philippines. We'll see what becomes of that. Basic idea though, is my recollections of the landings.

I'm hesitating with the present buying. I shouldn't be, but I am. I'm going to quote Vienna Teng songs throughout this post. "I've no intention of confessing today/I need to make distance a while/but miles don't make your image fade and they don't erase this secret smile".

The gift giving presents a tricky tactical challenge. Her birthday falls on the same day as another classmate. It would be tricky to give her a present but not the other. Hmm... I might need to have a pow wow with the strategerical team.

I wish I wasn't so "torpe" (which reminds me, still haven't found that song). The other guy is still making moves on her, despite her discouragements. He declared a surprise for her on her birthday. If anything, I'll probably do things quietly. "Overcome me baby/All I'm asking is to be alive for once"

Tomorrow is going to be my deadline for buying a present. In addition, I still got a letter to write, comics to finish colouring and a model to UVW map.

P.S.: Jante passed this link on to me over IRC. Caffiene Withrdrawal May Become Official Disorder. Awesomeness.

This deserves it's own post I feel. Over at the NS forums, someone made a post about going to a Vienna Teng concert. My curiousity was aroused since one of the titles of her songs is "Gravity", the same name as the beautiful song used in the credits of Wolfs Rain.

It turns out it isn't the song I was thinking of, but still an incredible song! A very very pleasant find. Go grab her songs. Now! Especially if you love great vocals and great lyrics.

I'm blown away by the beauty of her lyrics. They're poetic, beautiful and evoke such strong imagery. I could listen to her songs all day. In fact, that's what I've been doing today :P

My recommendations, get Gravity and Between (zip files). Heck, get everything from Waking Hour, but those are my two favourite tracks available for download.

Well look love
They've given up believing
They've turned aside our stories of the gentle fall

<edit/>

I've *gasp* bought myself her CD! I didn't go and pirate it as per usual! :o It just demonstrates the power of the internet in marketing your products. I would probably have never heard of her otherwise, but thanks to her website and, more importantly, the MP3's up on them I got hooked onto her music and I went and bought her music. I got the Waking Hour, mostly cause of the quality of the samples on her website.

Felt unaccountably pissed off today. It started in the morning, an unexplained swell of darkness erupted when I stepped into school. I have these moods sometimes, just general undirected anger seeping out of whatever hole I hide my feelings in. These moods tend to be a bit overwhelming for me, a rush of anger that's directed to nothing and nobody in particular.

This is why you should never piss us quiet ones off. We have a vast store of bottled up anger, lying in wait, ready to be unleashed.

I welcome it though. I embrace the black feelings of hatred toward people. I love the urge I have to hurt people that are being stupid. I enjoy the idle contemplation I have to hurt myself. "I wanted to hurt something pretty"

I'm over it now though. It dissipated as I walked away from school. I just hate my school I guess. It doesn't challenge me. It's not really teaching me much. I really need to get out of here. Hmm.. I just researched transferring to Atteneo. The application period for the next year has been over for a few months already. Crap!

Walking around the mall has been made much less fun. There is a North Face apparel store that had these manequinns with their arms up in the air. It amused me much to stop right in front of the manequinns and mimic their position. Now the staff seems to have put their arms in a more conventional position. Bleh. I wonder if my actions had anything to do with that.

Another joy they removed from malling: there's this retaurant with a salad bar, and over their salad bar is a sign that says "Endless Helpings". The "pings" part however, seems to have droppped off and now it says "Endless Hel". You can never underestimate the comedic value of seeing a salad bar that extols it's virtue of being an endless hell.

On a side note, Her birthday is coming up. I need to get her a present already. This is a huge hint to her identity if any of my classmates are reading this, but meh.

Yes, title is in German. I think the only good thing that has come out of German lessons for me is the ability to be silly in a language other than English. Of course, "Mein leiben" actually comes from Wolfenstein 3D and I have no real idea of what it means other than:

1. It sounds funny
2. Germans say it when they get shot (I should try it on Phib someday)

Right, nicht bier (or b13r, if you're going the megatokyo+l33t+german route). I was supposed to go out with cousins and sister to go drink a few tonight, meh, not happening it seems.

It will be a new experience to me, I haven't really drunk bier. Wine yus, alcoholated drinks, yus, but not bier. Yeah, I'm 19 and I still haven't gotten proper drunk. So what! I wonder how I will be when I'm pish drunk though.

Here in the Philippines, there's a ripoff of the German Oktoberfest. Irunno, as far as I can tell, it looks like stupid commercialism, just a way for San Miguel to sell more beer. And they have a really irritating jingle too. Bleh.

And since we're on the topic of German stuff, here's a random stupid animation I found through IRC. Hitler Melon!. Yeah, it may be offensive to some just cause, you know, Hitler's there, but meh.

Behind my school, there is a row of food places. Within that place, there are at least two coffee places, one of which is a Starbucks. Please join me in rejoicing for finding new ways to spend money on my caffiene addiction. Although to be honest, Starbucks kinda sucks and has a name and logo that makes absolutely no sense at all.

Unless.. Starbucks was founded by Captain Starbucks, the worlds foremost coffee transportation sea captain who was saved from drowning by a sea maiden when his coffee bearing frigate, the SS Decaf capsized. The sea maiden then foretold of a chain of coffee places with her face on it. That attention loving wench.

I think I'm just as bad as smokers now. I'm addicted to caffeine kinda bad. Outside my school, the smokers sit outside smoking. I sit with a cup of coffee. And it's not even the good kind of coffee. Buy cheap for the hit :/ Ah well, whatever.

Yesterday there was an earthquake here. I was doing my homework in the living room when I started wondering why I was having this really bad dizzy spell. Then I realized that the ground was shaking back and forth. It wasn't a very shaky earthquake. It was more like a very insistent rocking back and forth. Strange enough to say, it was an enjoyable experience, much like that first blackout. It's something you'll never experience back in Singapore.

Ironically enough, I had discovery channel on the television and the show that was on was about great earthquakes.

October 1 has passed with nary a rant about it from me. What was october 1? It marked my half a year here, 6 months away from the life and friends I had built up in Singapore.

I am still wondering where home is. I remember years ago, during Singapores National Day, the newspaper had this article on a Filipino family that had lived in Singapore long enough that they considered it their home. I had always imagined my life would be something like that. That I would consider Singapore my home. I had imagined that I would go through that rite of passage that every Singaporean male would go through, NS. I had imagined finding someone I love in Singapore.

Now I can't go back. I've spent most of my life in Singapore, I've grown to love it. Yet I cannot truly return. When I left Singapore, I was already supposed to be enlisted into NS. Only my educational deferrment was keeping me out of NS. Leaving Singapore is seen as not fulfilling that obligation/duty/whatever. It makes me invalid for any permits into Singapore. Maybe I can visit it, but It's just not the same.

So now, if I can't go back, where is home?

I had this thought today. You're thought processes are dictated by the language in which you think. I don't think in tagalog, heck I can't think in tagalog. Am I less filipino because of it?

Is home where your family is? In Singapore, the only family I had is my immediate family and an aunt. My friends would go and see their aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. I sometimes felt left out. Here in the Philippines, I get to see them. It's a great feeling. Theres something different about family I guess.

And if any of my SG friends are reading this, Tom, Delon, Heng Boon, Edison, Justin. You guys are like the brothers I never had.

P.S: C8H10N4O2 = chemical formula of caffeine

In all probabilities, this will be the last post I make on Blackbird.

Blackbird is what I call my current PC. Blackbird as in the SR-71. It's what I named her when I first got her. Although I've been calling her piece-of-shit for a long time now.

A eulogy for Blackbird.

Hey, I didn't say it would be a good eulogy.

Enter the new system. To continue with the airplane names, I christen the new rig Bone/Lancer, for the bomber plane B-1B Lancer.

When I get back from setting her up, I'll post her vital statistics. Btw: case comes with a window!

Bleh, migration from Blackbird to B-1B has hit some snags. The external hard drive I'm supposed to be transferring my files in just refuse to work, and I can't seem to find my crossover Cat-5. Oh well. Posting this in B-1B and boy is she a sweet ride!

• 3Ghz P4
• 1024 MB of ram
• Inno3D GeForce FX5200 128mb
• Dual 120GB Harddisks
• LITE-ON 52x 32x 52x + 16x CD-RW/DVD-ROM drive

Meh, haven't been able to write a proper post, although there are things I really want to say. To make up for not having new content in quite a while, I shall make with the silly links!

Scientists find coffee really is addictive. No, really? You think? Found the cure for cancer then have we? I'm not quite sure what to say to this really. I do so love my coffee, but I don't think I'm seriously addicted to it yet. Give it time I suppose :D Seriously though, kinda useless research there..

Speaking of useless research (see how I segue so smoothly from that to this? huh? huh?!), how about them Ig Noble awardees eh? To honour the best in Science and humanity in general, we have the Nobel prizes but what about the offbeat kooky research! How do we recognize the scientists who have put in such effort into discovering that herrings communicate with each other by farting? Or the great humanists that have assembled a nudist library?

Halflife 2: A Link to the Past. Way. Too. Cute. Wouldn't it be funnier though if Link got Gordons beard? I tell you, midgets with beards: way too funny. Or scary. Or scarily funny.

In other game character related news, GameFAQs is holding another character face off and the final survivors, the ones that have clawed their way to the top bracket are Cloud (whiny spiky hair dude of FF7 fame) and Link, who should require no introduction at all. If he does, you have failed at life. I think the choice in this very important election is quite clear, and if you're not convinced, please let me point you to this well written post about why you should vote Link for 2004.

Watch this space for a new webcomic. Though my involvement in it is kinda small, I'm just doing the colouring for Auntie Janet cause he sucks too much. The actual hair colours I came up with for the characters are actually much weirder than the final one, mostly cause Jan-tor didn't give me any specific colour scheme that he wanted so I went all CGNU on it. Here's the first colour scheme I did up for him (hope you don't mind me posting this up here janet):

I actually find the pink hair quite fetching for the Sarah, but meh. Jay (yes Mia, Jay) does look like a bimbo with blonde hair though. And yeah, it's not the best colouring evar, but whatever. Also, telling people that you colour a webcomic sounds like you use crayons or something.

And now, I shall go back to memorizing conversion factors between the Imperial and Metric measuring systems. Seriously, the world should murder the imperial system with a spoon already and switch to metric. Then we wouldn't have problems like AIDS or wastes of money like the Mars climate orbiter. Quite possibly I shall make a proper post by today, but don't expect anything.