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And the post titles just keep getting more and more melodramatic. Next thing you know it will be "zomg i am dying inside my skin zomgmyheart" or somesuch title.

Been having hardware problems in a bad way. First my mobo (I think) decides it doesn't like its own PCI-E port and goes and fraks up on me. My system is running crippled now, it won't work properly if I install the video card drivers. gfg. And then the rain decides that I like it wayyyy too much so it goes and sends a power surge down the frikkn phone line which fries my modem. So now I can't even use the internet on my own PC. Argh.

Setec Astronomy. An anagram for "Too Many Secrets". It feels like that now and its annoying me. The consequence of having friends? Idunno if I will ever truly wish that I was a loner again but seriously, being made to promise contradictory things is breaking my brain. Also, I am rather transparent so, dunno, hard to keep secrets when people guess it so easily from me. Argh. Also, seeing both sides of a matter is a horrible curse. Blah.

It's kinda nice for this post to be one long blathering on about my problems rather than being any overeager attempt at writing some kind of life-changing prose. Been doing that over the last few posts, I've just noticed.

Jeff Buckley is breaking me. Winamp (on my computer) says that I've played Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" at least 30 times now. It's just such a fitting song for a situation I find myself in. I hear that the girl I like is leaving, soon. It's... I don't know. I thought I've been making better progress at becoming a better friend to her recently but all of a sudden I find that perhaps it will be for naught.

I keep telling myself that I have no real right to be sad that she is leaving beyond the somewhat superficial level of friendship that I have with her (if that sentence makes no sense, its 4am now). But, idunno. Theres a part inside of me that just so desperately wants to have the right to say I love her but no, there is no call for me to go around saying that yet.

This is our last goodbye, Kiss me, out of desire And not consolation.

Anyway, stuff. I don't know why I even bother with obfuscating her name in this blog. Anyone who reads it would already know who I am talking about. Wonder how long I have until she leaves, haven't really talked to her since I found out that she is leaving.

A restlessness beset me just sitting in the cafeteria doing nothing, as usual. Just one of those moods that strike me at times. Maybe its just cause I had seen the girl or some such nonsense (ugh, here I go again with referring to my crushes as the girl) but it gripped me with such force that I had to walk down Magallanes just to calm myself down, even if I had class in 30 minutes.

The idea of fleeing into my own solitude holds a great appeal to me.

I think these walks will also eventually be the end of me. The sensation of walking, the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other, well it stops me from thinking rationally. It evokes romantic ideas too big for me and yet which I so desperately crave. The kinetics bind the body to the soul and the will of my soul, my body would want.

Sheesh, this is really getting melodramatic. I've lost my knack for writing, having not set any words of consequence down in my notebook recently.

And while I tread on that oft walked path I had a vision of walking those roads less travelled. I would just continue walking till I get out of the city, finding a winding road to the provinces and I would just continue my flight down south. I would abandon all, my education and friends. Money would be discarded cutting the tethers to home and it would ultimately lose its meaning beyond getting me to my next destination.

I will stay in a town for a week or so, long enough to find its heart but never long enough to feel home for finding home will mean the end of this flight. I'll discover myself on the road and then when I reach the sea I'll turn around and make the long walk north and maybe go home wiser. Or I might just keep walking northward bound until I disappear, from earth and memories of my loved ones.

And while I know I will never find the courage to do as I had seen, I will cherish this waking dream.