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I really ought to write something other than the recent "oh my heart" crap that I've been putting on my blog recently. I have a good rant about DRM and controlling what people can record but poopies on that. I need to vent this out first.

This week. Really really weird on the uhm, 'friendship' side so far. I got her number and started SMS'ing/TXT'ing her (SG'ers: yeah, they call it that here). It was fun and all, and quite comfortably on the friendship side, but it was really quite shallow conversation. All stuff about birthdays and class schedules. Then the day after, I got this message from her.

I still hope, but I think I'm reading too much into it. On one hand I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel about those forwarded messages. Either that or she's forgotten. On the other hand, a friend asked me if I thought she liked me back and I had to reply that I'm unsure. After all, when you like someone, you always have that hope that they like you back, so I can't be called unbiased.

And now I'm kinda hesistant to SMS her. My recent messages haven't been reciprocated and I'm kind of wondering if she:

• just doesn't have load
• are not recieving them
• just don't want to SMS me anymore :(

Sigh. But then if I don't SMS her.. will she forget about me? Kinda stupid, but the thought is there and it's nagging at me. SMS is kinda easier for me (not that easy though, I still hesitate before sending messages to her), but a relationship can't be built on messages! (or can it? I have intarweb friends and stuff...)

I find it awkward and frustrating when I talk to her in real life. My brain just siezes up. Maybe with some other stimuli (a reason why I'm not that comfortable with IM, I prefer IRC where random people can start up conversation topics) it's not that bad, but the conversations I've had with her recently, where we're just sitting with each other talking (not necessarily by ourselves mind you). Augh. Bad. In my mind when I'm away from her I can think up of stuff to say, but when I'm with her, my mind goes "meep!" and just blanks out.

To further add to the doubt in my mind, I checked her friendster page today (e-stalking rules! sorta) and well.. she accepted a testimonial from a mutual friend (okay, I don't consider him a friend much). This guy has declared early on that he likes her, he even uses the word love. I think he did ask her to be his GF once but she declined. His testi declares love. It makes me insecure. That she accepted the testi and that others can be so open with their feelings towards her.

My sister keeps asking me if I will ever tell her. I don't know. The safe way is to get to know her first. To see if I really do like like her. The crazy way, let the cards fall, rush into it, get hurt most probably. I'm sort of but not yet torn between the two.

Actually, I've never really put down the reasons why I like her. I think about it, but only a little and that does scare me. Like I've said before, I don't want a relationship just "because". I think the worst way to ever enter a relationship is not knowing why you entered into it. Knowing will make your relationship work, will let you know if its worth it to go on, will keep you together. I figure even if your reason is superficial at least you know.

So, why do I like her?

• Well.. she's pretty. I can't deny it and hide behind "I like her cause of her inside!" (not the guts mind you). She was one of the girls that drew my attention at the first day of college. I've always been attracted to her but I guess only now I'm really feeling it.
• Her personality. She's got a great personality. Not too serious, not too off the wall. Balanced. Also, from what I know, she's got a pretty kind heart.

Hmm, that last statement is making me rethink something. Do I like her only cause she was nice to me? That she actually tried interacting with me without being too stupid? (you wouldn't believe some of my classmates). Cause it kinda leads to one of my fears of what might happen with this. I don't want to end up becoming some bloody obsessive stalker-freaky kind of guy. It's really realy creepy and somehow I feel I have the psyche for it. Ack. Actually, today I was acting all stalker-creepy. I went all over the campus (uhm.. single building.. good game.. gg) trying to find her. Augh.

You know what though? Thinking this through, typing it out, it's made me at least figure out where I stand. A lot less maddening this way. Anyway, thanks to all the people who've been giving me advise.