Why Can't I Stop?

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Meep. I can't stop myself from putting down all this crap into my blog. Oh well. I suppose it would be a nice way to look back when all this passes.

A couple of songs that I found appropriate to what I'm feeling right now. Lifehouse's Breathing and Voh's Pull it Off. Although Breathing is kinda stalker freaky in the lyrics.

I wish she would stop sending me forwards and reply to something. At the very least, tell me if I'm bothering her. Tell me to go away, stop it, fuck off, whatever. I... I don't know. At least I would know how she feels. At least I would know to start forgetting... (or maybe that should be to start trying more? meh)

I hope she comes to school next week. At least I'll get to see her and uhm, ask her if it annoys her/disturbs her/makes her want to get a restraining order on me. Irunno. Or maybe I'll stop being so damn oblique and ask her outright, or tell her outright. Bleh. I've contemplated calling her up but it just feels wrong to do that. Idunno why either.

Okay, enough of this crap. I still can't sort it out but whatever. Cross it when I come to the bridge.

Anyway, went out in the rain again today. Damn I love it. I give todays rain two thumbs up. It had everything. A great build up, suspense, action. Woo.

I went out to sit by myself before the rain properly began, to think about things and to be alone. I didn't have to wait long before it started. The drizzle started, riding the high wind, getting whipped into icy darts that hit you with force, like kisses from an ice queen.

I step out of the cover of the carport into the rain itself. A mad exhilirating rush. The wind, the rain. They envelope me in their mad, twisting, passionate dance. The rain being carried by the wind. Sigh. It was so so cold but it made me feel alive. I love the elements :)

Later in the evening, as far as I can remember, the first blackout I'd experienced here! That was kind of a surprise. One moment I'm watching Dark Angel, drooling over Jessica Alba (so hawt) the next I'm sitting alone in the darkness, wondering wtf happened. It was kinda fun in the new experience kind of way. The whole subdivision was plunged into darkness. No streetlights, no nothing. We just sat around the living room, hunkered down with the rest of the family carrying flashlights.

During the blackout (which couldn't have lasted for more than an hour, maybe it was around 45 minutes), I sent her part of the lyrics (whoops, back to this) to Lifehouse - Breathing.

'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

It's alright, alright with me

See? Stalker-ish lyrics. At least I didn't send her the next part which was about.. sitting outside her door.. and listening to her breathing.. yeah. Maybe a bad choice of song.

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Dead of the Night Poetry

http://www.deviantart.com/view/10481339/

Friday, September 10, 2004

Originally wanted to post this on friendster to try to kick off the Dead of the Night Poetry Society, kind of like one of those pass em around posts, but you put poems you've written in the dead of the night instead. It ended up as just a poetry post.

The silence of my handphone is deafening.

Click on read more to read the poem. I am so gonna be messed up tomorrow, but writing this, it's worth the lost sleep. Oh yeah. I was struggling with the second stanza quite a bit, but Potential Problem's song, A Glimmer of Hope in the Darkness, helped the blockage. :)

Description on deviantArt

I cannot yet, admit my feelings
I cannot yet, give up my silence
I cannot yet, though I know I must

This poem is a lie. Fabrication of deciet. Or it may be my true feelings.

Love does not describe it
Yet I've stayed up through the night
To write this for you

Her silence is maddening
An echo that mocks me
Reverbrating between the nothingness
That it has carved within

In hope, I broke my silence
With her silence, she breaks my hope
Catch the glimmer of falling stars in midnight sky
All I can do in sudden darkness

Glorious the silent, falling scythe
That would rip, tear, eviscerate
My heart from this sliver of hope I grasp
Barbed though it be

But let my hands bleed as I clasp
Run forth those rose red rivulets
I care not. I tighten my fist
Never to let go of this silent, torturous bliss

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More Exclamation Marks Here

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Click on read more. Don't feel like having this out on the mainpage. Also kinda long.

I really ought to write something other than the recent "oh my heart" crap that I've been putting on my blog recently. I have a good rant about DRM and controlling what people can record but poopies on that. I need to vent this out first.

This week. Really really weird on the uhm, 'friendship' side so far. I got her number and started SMS'ing/TXT'ing her (SG'ers: yeah, they call it that here). It was fun and all, and quite comfortably on the friendship side, but it was really quite shallow conversation. All stuff about birthdays and class schedules. Then the day after, I got this message from her.

I still hope, but I think I'm reading too much into it. On one hand I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel about those forwarded messages. Either that or she's forgotten. On the other hand, a friend asked me if I thought she liked me back and I had to reply that I'm unsure. After all, when you like someone, you always have that hope that they like you back, so I can't be called unbiased.

And now I'm kinda hesistant to SMS her. My recent messages haven't been reciprocated and I'm kind of wondering if she:

  • just doesn't have load
  • are not recieving them
  • just don't want to SMS me anymore :(

Sigh. But then if I don't SMS her.. will she forget about me? Kinda stupid, but the thought is there and it's nagging at me. SMS is kinda easier for me (not that easy though, I still hesitate before sending messages to her), but a relationship can't be built on messages! (or can it? I have intarweb friends and stuff...)

I find it awkward and frustrating when I talk to her in real life. My brain just siezes up. Maybe with some other stimuli (a reason why I'm not that comfortable with IM, I prefer IRC where random people can start up conversation topics) it's not that bad, but the conversations I've had with her recently, where we're just sitting with each other talking (not necessarily by ourselves mind you). Augh. Bad. In my mind when I'm away from her I can think up of stuff to say, but when I'm with her, my mind goes "meep!" and just blanks out.

To further add to the doubt in my mind, I checked her friendster page today (e-stalking rules! sorta) and well.. she accepted a testimonial from a mutual friend (okay, I don't consider him a friend much). This guy has declared early on that he likes her, he even uses the word love. I think he did ask her to be his GF once but she declined. His testi declares love. It makes me insecure. That she accepted the testi and that others can be so open with their feelings towards her.

My sister keeps asking me if I will ever tell her. I don't know. The safe way is to get to know her first. To see if I really do like like her. The crazy way, let the cards fall, rush into it, get hurt most probably. I'm sort of but not yet torn between the two.

Actually, I've never really put down the reasons why I like her. I think about it, but only a little and that does scare me. Like I've said before, I don't want a relationship just "because". I think the worst way to ever enter a relationship is not knowing why you entered into it. Knowing will make your relationship work, will let you know if its worth it to go on, will keep you together. I figure even if your reason is superficial at least you know.

So, why do I like her?

  • Well.. she's pretty. I can't deny it and hide behind "I like her cause of her inside!" (not the guts mind you). She was one of the girls that drew my attention at the first day of college. I've always been attracted to her but I guess only now I'm really feeling it.
  • Her personality. She's got a great personality. Not too serious, not too off the wall. Balanced. Also, from what I know, she's got a pretty kind heart.

Hmm, that last statement is making me rethink something. Do I like her only cause she was nice to me? That she actually tried interacting with me without being too stupid? (you wouldn't believe some of my classmates). Cause it kinda leads to one of my fears of what might happen with this. I don't want to end up becoming some bloody obsessive stalker-freaky kind of guy. It's really realy creepy and somehow I feel I have the psyche for it. Ack. Actually, today I was acting all stalker-creepy. I went all over the campus (uhm.. single building.. good game.. gg) trying to find her. Augh.

You know what though? Thinking this through, typing it out, it's made me at least figure out where I stand. A lot less maddening this way. Anyway, thanks to all the people who've been giving me advise.

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A Mind is Such a Terrible Thing to Waste

Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Must. Rant. About. School. I hate the start of school terms. They're such wastes of time. And this term especially. So we're supposed to be doing webcasted learning, cause well, the school's too poor to pay for teachers (g effin' g). So now we're expected to learn stuff by trying to discern things from a small arse video feed, a buggy presentation and really really bad audio. How I so love AMA. Aurrrghhh......... (misses NYP)
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!!!!!

This came from her in a SMS while I was playing a game of iSketch.

A boy was so sad cause he thought that the girl he loved didn't love him back. Years later, he saw the girl carrying her son. He asked, "What's his name?". She smiled and said "Same as yours.."

Yeah, one of those things everybody else seems to be forwarding to everyone else... but.. augh. Irunno. Part of me hopes it means something, another is screaming in terror. !!!!!

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