<thought />

I'm sitting in class, being bored as usual, getting annoyed at my classmates and taking stock of my life. I turn to my side and see my sister and her boyfriend (major annoyance and a big reason you should never be in the same class as a sibling) and I think to myself.: What the crap am I living for?

No, I've not turned suicidal. I do wonder why I get up in the morning though. I have nothing to look forward to in life. I hate my school, or at least bear a deep dislike for it, and I can't really say I'm having much luck on the friends side here. I think IRC and the forums has turned into my primary source of social contact.

I think I've gotten into middle-age life way too soon. My life seems to be wake up, go to school, homework, sleep, rinse, repeat. The things I look forward to when I get home are fleeting and vapid, like getting to watch anime or some other show on the telly. I'm now upset cause the cable reception has gone noisy.

I don't know what to do. I guess I have a general, hazy direction (get into the software/computer industry, hopefully something in games) that I want to take my life towards, but irunno, the relocation has made me lost and I don't know how to get there from here. On deeper relfection, I don't know if it is the right direction for me. I guess I gravitated towards it as a career choice cause it's what I'm best at, but again, it might not be the best for me as a person.

So much doubt right now.

I don't smile enough. I've only realized this lately. Even back in poly, which was some pretty good times for me, it seemed that when I was smiling, people found it weird. A classmate would come up to me and ask "Why are you so happy?". And I seriously wouldn't know. It's not as if I was ecstatic or anything. I guess it must have weirded him out that I was actually displaying emotion.

Introspection time. Most of the time, when I'm around other people, I'm this emotionless meatbag. I'm not the type that really shows much emotion in public. When I vent my emotions, I'm usually alone. I dunno, never really got the hang of this sharing your feelings thing. Might be a byproduct of the way of thinking that Big Boys Don't Cry. Dunno, it does seem ingrained into my way of thinking.

My sister also says I seem to be always frowning. I guess this is quite accurate, seeing as how I'm feeling pretty moody right now. I dunno if I've ever been not moody in recent times. Thinking back, I seem to remember having this glum outlook on life since secondary school. I guess I'd trace it back to when I struggled to cope with my studies and the downward spiral that I percieved my life took. I say percieve because I can't say if it was a bad thing or a good thing. When I dropped down from the special stream to normal academic, that pretty much depressed me quite a bit. However, it did allow me to cope with school a bit better, so it may have saved me from myself. Dunno what I would have done if I had kept failing stuff at secondary school.

Besides this glum view I have of life, sometimes, for no reason, I go into a state of mind where I've got some serious anger at life. And boy do I have some anger bottled up in me. Though I won't overtly show it, my mind would churn with anger when I go into one of this states. Generally, I'd be pretty pissed at what life's dealt me, and when I think about it, when I analyze my responses to what life's given me, my anger is fueled further by anger at my own stupidity, my own inadequacies, my own failures.

I dunno. Maybe my response to life ought to be to just smile. Don't take life too seriously or analyse everything that I do. Or maybe, just smile

On the drive up to school, we turned off a busy street into a large main street that was strangely empty. For some reason, driving down that large empty road perked me up. That set me thinking, did I relish that moment because of my tendency to be a loner? Does being alone make me happier?

Thomas recent post and this cleansweep thing made me start on this blog. I've been thinking about my life lately (about how it sucks mostly) but all my thoughts seem to escape me if I don't put em down somewhere.

Welcome to my brand spanking new blog. You're probably here only if you know me personally. This blog isn't really what I imagined myself making. I had visions of me making my owns CMS just for the blog, but meh. I just have a sudden and immediate urge to put words down somewhere.

Life crises suck.

(and excuse the use of a template!)