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And the post titles just keep getting more and more melodramatic. Next thing you know it will be "zomg i am dying inside my skin zomgmyheart" or somesuch title.

Been having hardware problems in a bad way. First my mobo (I think) decides it doesn't like its own PCI-E port and goes and fraks up on me. My system is running crippled now, it won't work properly if I install the video card drivers. gfg. And then the rain decides that I like it wayyyy too much so it goes and sends a power surge down the frikkn phone line which fries my modem. So now I can't even use the internet on my own PC. Argh.

Setec Astronomy. An anagram for "Too Many Secrets". It feels like that now and its annoying me. The consequence of having friends? Idunno if I will ever truly wish that I was a loner again but seriously, being made to promise contradictory things is breaking my brain. Also, I am rather transparent so, dunno, hard to keep secrets when people guess it so easily from me. Argh. Also, seeing both sides of a matter is a horrible curse. Blah.

It's kinda nice for this post to be one long blathering on about my problems rather than being any overeager attempt at writing some kind of life-changing prose. Been doing that over the last few posts, I've just noticed.

Jeff Buckley is breaking me. Winamp (on my computer) says that I've played Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" at least 30 times now. It's just such a fitting song for a situation I find myself in. I hear that the girl I like is leaving, soon. It's... I don't know. I thought I've been making better progress at becoming a better friend to her recently but all of a sudden I find that perhaps it will be for naught.

I keep telling myself that I have no real right to be sad that she is leaving beyond the somewhat superficial level of friendship that I have with her (if that sentence makes no sense, its 4am now). But, idunno. Theres a part inside of me that just so desperately wants to have the right to say I love her but no, there is no call for me to go around saying that yet.

This is our last goodbye, Kiss me, out of desire And not consolation.

Anyway, stuff. I don't know why I even bother with obfuscating her name in this blog. Anyone who reads it would already know who I am talking about. Wonder how long I have until she leaves, haven't really talked to her since I found out that she is leaving.

A restlessness beset me just sitting in the cafeteria doing nothing, as usual. Just one of those moods that strike me at times. Maybe its just cause I had seen the girl or some such nonsense (ugh, here I go again with referring to my crushes as the girl) but it gripped me with such force that I had to walk down Magallanes just to calm myself down, even if I had class in 30 minutes.

The idea of fleeing into my own solitude holds a great appeal to me.

I think these walks will also eventually be the end of me. The sensation of walking, the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other, well it stops me from thinking rationally. It evokes romantic ideas too big for me and yet which I so desperately crave. The kinetics bind the body to the soul and the will of my soul, my body would want.

Sheesh, this is really getting melodramatic. I've lost my knack for writing, having not set any words of consequence down in my notebook recently.

And while I tread on that oft walked path I had a vision of walking those roads less travelled. I would just continue walking till I get out of the city, finding a winding road to the provinces and I would just continue my flight down south. I would abandon all, my education and friends. Money would be discarded cutting the tethers to home and it would ultimately lose its meaning beyond getting me to my next destination.

I will stay in a town for a week or so, long enough to find its heart but never long enough to feel home for finding home will mean the end of this flight. I'll discover myself on the road and then when I reach the sea I'll turn around and make the long walk north and maybe go home wiser. Or I might just keep walking northward bound until I disappear, from earth and memories of my loved ones.

And while I know I will never find the courage to do as I had seen, I will cherish this waking dream.

The title of this post doesn't really have anything to do with the contents of this post. It's just a phrase that has been clinging on to my brain for some reason or another. One of my prof's told me that blogging is like shitting on your underwear and then turning it over and wearing it again.

I like it

His description of blogging I mean. Not the shitunderwear thing.

It's 1AM now. The week has officially begun and I'm glad for it. The last week has been rather bad for me. Nothing tragic though. Just. Bad.

Earlier in the week, I found out through my parents that my calculation of how long I'll still be in school was off. Instead of my projected one year and a sem, they tell me that according to the school, I'll be stuck in there for another two years. Damn it.

It's not that I'm doing badly in school, its just that my choices are coming back to bite me. Hard. Should have taken full loads like my classmates instead of taking it easy some sems. It's not just the length of my stay in college that is bothering me. It's the feeling that it is compounding on my earlier failures in life, like the stupidity in high school. So frustrating.

Add that to the general loneliness that I felt, hardly ever seeing the girl that I like, the feeling that I've let her pass through my own inaction. I think thats the theme of my feelings this week. How I've let my life drift off course, that if I had only acted sooner, more resolutely, I might not be so far off from the path that I want my life to take. It's emotionally rough, this feeling. It makes you sullen, unable to pull yourself together to extricate yourself from this situation.

And then to top it all off, I go ahead and lose my bag through my own naivety. It's not so much the material possession that I mind losing, its the memories that have gone into that bag. I've let my friends scribble little drawings and sayings all over its surface, making them a part of me for as long as I have that bag. Or at least it feels that way. But no, I had to go and trust that my bag is safe in a classroom with people. Grmble.

I also miss my drawing supplies, my Tria and Copic markers, various mech pencils and my notebooks. Dear lord. Please don't let whoever stole my bag read the cheesiness that are my notebooks.

And to top it all off, I saw the girl on Thursday. It should have lifted my mood. It actually did, for a while. But then I realized that no matter how happy she might make me feel, I do not believe I have the ability to make her happy.

And that feeling utterly sucks.

Ah well, another week, another chance to frak up my life some more.

For all the independence of thought that I attribute to myself, I find myself so easily influenced by media that I consume. In rereading Catcher in the Rye, I find myself using the word 'crumby' a bit too much in my internal dialogue. I guess I'm just another one of the herd. Media consumes me.

Firefox's American spellcheck dictionary just confused me over the spelling of 'dialogue' so badly. Still haven't completely switched from British spelling to American bastardised english. Just installed me the Britland dictionary. Its like a live blogging here!

Went to school with weird expectations today. I don't think I was expecting much but I was expecting something. I really ought to stop imagining non-existent conversations between people and myself. I'm pretty sure its bad for one's mental health. I thought I was safe from an action of mine that was spurred on by desperation. Turns out that no, no I'm not. I think my face drained when I heard that. I'm pretty sure it'll be awkward if I see her tomorrow.

Forgot my cellphone so I couldn't get picked up from school. This part isn't that interesting except for sitting in Jollibee and reading Catcher in the Rye which, idunno. Reading a book in a fastfood restaurant while you're reading seems to be pretty scaggy (a stolen word from Going Postal) behaviour to me. There is just an element about it that is so wrong. Also, not getting fetched from school led to a conversation in the toilet while I prepared to do number 2.

Yes, you did not need to know that.

Anyway, due to not being fetched I missed the last shuttle out of school and I had to walk from one end of Magallanes to the other. Not that significant a distance but I walked it alone. Usually this hike would be undertaken with friends. I don't have anything against them but walking alone gives me such a feeling of freedom and, paradoxically, less lonely.

During the crappy years of high school/secondary school I used to walk from the school to my house, laden with my heavy school bag and I'm pretty sure it was at least 2 kilometers.

My solitary walk evoked these memories and I had a fantastic idea. I would walk home all the way from my school. I entertained this idea quite seriously in my head as I realized that with almost all the schools I've studied in, I've been able to walk home to or from there.

Tonight I only walked part of the way. I think I badly want to do this now.

This week has been kinda rough emotionally. Don't want to get into specifics, just want to note it down here in my long neglected blog.

The fourth years of the overnight family has graduated. Good riddance I say. No, not really. Their presence in APC will be missed greatly.

Hopefully the first small step into updating this thing regularly.