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A rather scary thought just hit me that I really need to write, despite having an 8 am class tomorrow and it being 2 am of the same day. Hmm.. that made no sense. Maybe I ought to change the title of this blog to midnight musings. It won't make me write more but at least it would have a pretty name. Then again, that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, back to the original point. I've got no past I can run back to. Maybe it's just melodrama but there is a realization now that I am rather stuck, chronologically. The past that I would say has a meaning to me, there is just no substantial way I can go back. Back to lan parties, midnight walks, frank conversations in our own private tongues.

All I can get now might be fleeting days of fellowship or words transmitted on the electron stream.

Somehow it doesn't seem fair.

And I'm being all stupid about it.

Faced with this gulf between myself and my past life, past friends, what I really should be doing is embracing the now. You know, figure out who I am, explore this world I'm thrust upon instead of turning away from it, choosing only to see what I earnestly wish. I have a rather annoying habit of attempting to transpose the past to my present. It's a private guilt but it is so cloyingly addictive you know, to look back to the past. But you're really just looking back at a time when you were none the wiser, stupider if I want to be blunt.

I just put Greg's Last Day on winamp.

It's not really the feeling of loneliness that prompted me to write this post. I don't think I'm lonely anymore, its just a jarring sense of disconnect, of emptiness maybe. Where the hell can I run to when the now is too painful? It only hit me after an excess of two years.

Well... it's been four months since I've touched my blog. I've missed writing about some pretty significant events in my life. Even my 21st birthday has gone by unrecorded. There is something vaguely comforting about that thought, strange as it might sound. In the digital age where the connected has somehow evolved into an information obsessed offshoot of the human race, hungrily gathering and generating masses of data (to what end I may never be able to fathom), I retain my basic humanity by the time tested method of being a lazy whelp.

It cheers me somewhat, really. I need something to keep my mind off the fact that I'm bloody 21 already.

Besides getting older, I've recently gone back to Singapore after two years of being subjected to the Philippines. There was a feeling of homecoming but... not quite. Going back there, it rather felt like I never left. The roads, the air, the trains. It was all familiar to me. Maybe too familiar.

A weird rambling thought conjured at 4 in the morning. Yeah, I'm doing it again.

It was a blast though, seeing all the guys again. It's striking how much change two years can bring and yet underneath all of that, I can still see the friends that I left behind. For one thing, there is more army talk amongst them. Consequentially, the average lengths of their hair has declined. But beneath all that there is still Boon's unflagging cheerfulness, Thomas and his never ending supply of wise cracks and Delon being that friend I could always blab with.

This does bring up the nature of friendships though. The last semester has been a great one for me at APC. Being put in the 3D animation team (that one I mentioned in my last post) has been a blessing for me. The friends I've made because of that... well I've always been partial to being a loner but thats mostly because I'm rather picky with friends. These guys struck a chord with me though. Maybe it's a bit like the phenomena of Trench Buddies. Theres the common passion for what we're doing and we slog through overnights at school together. Irunno.

What gets me thinking is that somehow I feel like I'm being a better friend to the group I have now than my buds back in Singapore. It's mildly unsettling, although come to think of it, I may just be maturing. And maybe I've learned to treasure friendships more nowadays. There is something of a bond, a familial kind of link I feel for my friends here and the course I'm in. It's one of the few good things that I feel I've been blessed with in the move here to the Philippines.

Anyway, enough with the ranty rant.