2009-07-17T00:02:00.002+08:00

I was, when the earth was hurled out from its fiery rim. I shall return with the earth to Father Sun, and still exist in substance when the sun has lost its fire, and disintegrated into infinity to perhaps become a part of the whirling rubble of space. Why fear? The stuff of my being is matter, ever changing, ever moving, but never lost;

Stream of Consciousness

2009-05-06T22:23:00.003+08:00

When staying up, I think the first things to go are the censors to good taste. Yesterday I chose not to sleep and well.. what happened was horrid stream of consciousness writing on my notebook (like, real honest to goodness paper notebook). Also couplets so cheesy you can taste the cheddar.

I choose not to censor/edit this for your enjoyment/cause I'm a dumbass. Think of this as lessons in the consequences of not sleeping.

People might call me smart but I'm not sure myself. For example here I am alone, dumbstruck with phone open, unable to articulate a word. An ashtray with a dead cigarette, not mine but I can't help inhaling the third hand smoke loving how dead embers smell when they interlock in embrace with the sweet armoas of the tea that stews before me. A red ant, big as anything dances across the table

The same seat has been occupied now by two women of oncommon beauty. I don't long for them but I do yearn for a return to the days when their stories would flash full fomed in my mind. It would take away my own fear of telling my own story as I delve into the deep fissures of their story revelling in their flaws instead of wallowing in my own

Sometimes I feel the story is not worth the telling

On second thought, thats probably a good place to stop the blather. I want to get a good post together chronicling the PyWeek game soon. Here's the hilariously cheesy not-quite-couplet:

Oh please let this be but drunken revelry

For if my heart beats not with your yours by the morn

My eternal grief shall be aborn

FFS, I really need to write that PyWeek post to redeem myself of this cheese factory now.

This is How It Ends

2009-04-22T02:54:00.003+08:00

My days of education are now behind me. Days spent in labs with barely enough sleep, a bottle of red bull in one hand while I agonized over my grades and a girl. Somehow it simultaneously felt too short and too long. I'd like to think that at the end of all this I've grown as a person but I'm not sure I have. Sure I've grown in knowledge perhaps in confidence too but the world still feels far too big for me to take on. There's a dearth of warm places, people I can anchor my soul to.

It's been five years. I don't know how to celebrate it this year, coming back to the Philippines. It didn't hit me to remember the day, April 1. I was too exhausted after the pressures of the exhibit. Traveling on the skyway one day made me miss Singapore so much. Leaving school, I don't know if I really have many friends. No one to celebrate that last bittersweet day with. It's my fault I know, never made much of an effort. It was far easier to cocoon myself with studies rather than dealing with people.

I say I hate people but secretly love them.

I miss the sensation of writing, forming words into tangible moments of beauty. The following is rescued from my notebook.

A book is more than the words, thoughts, feelings that it conveys. It is the entirety, the whole, a sensual experience rather than mere intellectual exercise. You begin with searching the shelf, eyes gazing across an expanse of words. You are overwhelmed, feeling like a soul drowned out by the homogenity of the human race. You reach out for another that can fill you, so is like the sensation of finding that book, the one that is yours.

And so you reach for it, snatching like an eager lover or slowly savouring the moment. Fingers play over the cover, tactile proof that perhaps your search is over...

I feel so inadequate next to this

I See the Sun

2008-09-16T13:53:00.004+08:00

/me does the biannual blog dust off

The server hosting the blog images has gone offline. I actually like the inadvertent minimalist feel to it now.

Back from internship. Lessons learned there indeed. I now need to get out of school and into the scary as frak 'real' world.

First time in a week or so that I see the sun. I was a space cadet the whole time I was out in the world, looking up at the sky like that. Reason for my confinement? PyWeek! I think this is my first complete game ever and it was completed in a week! Awesome. Could never have done it without gord, the main programmer of our game. The game is very very pretty. Not necessarily innovative gameplay wise but I feel its pretty solid. Got the game making bug now that I've got one complete game under my belt.

Tangentially, I am fucking pissed at the local roman catholic churches. Maybe not everyone is spewing the same rhetoric but jeez. They are fighting the passing of a bill about sex education. This. Is. Stupid. And the crap they are spewing? That the supporters of the bill are false prophets. Can't make this shit up folks. We're back in the middle ages where the church wishes to suppress knowledge for their own ends. It's incredibly... god.. angering that they will refuse to ease the burden of their flock HERE ON EARTH. It's the same kind of reasoning that brought about the god damn inquisition. We'll make you suffer so your soul will be pure woo!

I mean, jeez. Get on with the times. For an example to follow? What about the church of england? They've moved on from ignorance by making a formal apology to Charles Darwin. Sure its late but its a sign that they are ready to move on and be more accepting instead of irrational reactions. Like, you know, 'false prophets'

Rant. Out.

Post-Showerism Thoughts

2008-06-07T16:21:00.002+08:00

This is too long for Twitter so I'm posting it here.

Post-humanism would be too boring if it we just evolved into a single tribe of post-humans. Needs post-chronos, post-religionism, post-nerd, post-geek, post-post, post-hygeine, post-postal. Uh stuff. Would also be fun to RPG in this world I think.

Random Ubuntu-ness. Why does evolution need so many critical updates. And why do I download these updates when I don't use evolution?

Year Four

2008-04-01T01:51:00.005+08:00

Has it been four years already?

I feel so far away. I had a small private breakdown recently, a conflagration of a multitude of things that reminded me of my loneliness.

Turned 23, minor footnote. They say age doesn't matter. I would agree except I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm about due for a quarter life crisis it seems. Should I have achieved more by now? I worry I'll never get anywhere, nothing is driving me forward except for sheer momentum. What am I waking up for every morning? Theres the hazy goal of "get a job in the games industry" but what is that? It's nothing substantial, nothing inspirational.

Critical introspection. I am shallow. I never express what is in my head, I don't process input anymore (have I ever?), I've gone into pure automaton mode. Being a robot isn't all that its cracked up to be. Give me back my body.

Found Microserf's on sale. Halfway through it. In retrospect it feels more depressing now, the inversion of the hope it inspired in me.

I wish I had the guts to just ask her to break me now.

Sick Athletics

2008-01-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

My gorram legs hurt. I shouldn't have done it when I'm still kinda sick but I was hopped up on dopamine when I decided to walk all the way from school to the house. I've finally achieved it! All told it took me 2 solid hours of walking, time well spent. I don't think walking actually focuses my thoughts better, rather I came to the conclusion that it helps me tune out my brain as I just focus on getting there.

When I see the world I want to do it with a good pair of shoes and all the time in the world, the better to soak in the details that you might otherwise miss behind a car or something. It was a treat to walk through neighbourhoods on the route I usually take and discover so much sensory details that the car deprives me.

I still don't know if I've been emptied of all feelings. El Roboto out.

Working Backwards

2007-12-30T07:10:00.000+08:00

It's 7 am and I should be asleep. Typical. So Christmas has passed, whoop bleepin' do. I'm sick as a dog. Every time I return to Manila, I get sick as a shit. Must be I hate the place so much.

We'll work backwards from here.

Correction, I'll work backwards. I don't know who else reads this.

Congratulations, you have not worked out how to get back from that seething pit of anger. I don't know if its right to call it emotions, I never seem to have them. Messr. El Roboto. I just push it under. Not healthy, I commented to a friend that I'm jealous of my sister and her drinking binges. Friend laughingly offers to go drinking with me. It's a sweet gesture but I wisely don't take her up on it. Last time I went drinking with friends I started attempting to speak in drunken filipino. What the hell. Also I get damn maudlin, I can't take that now.

I walked to fort boni from school, about three times now. It's my escape, the mindless footsteps bleeding anger. All roads lead to home. I wish I had a camera, I want to document this. Third time doing this, the concrete feels firm under my feet like it will hold, at last. The first time I let my anger unscythe I ride raw hatred over scarred streets. A place, might have been special because of a girl but I carry my boiling anger past unmolested. The green fields and dark night conspire to remind me of better times in Singapore.

God I miss my buds, they just had a primary school reunion. I know, I just chatted to them, pretended I was all right. I lied to them with a straight face but it seemed right at the time. There was a meteor shower too.

Second time was almost better, more punishing. I take the longer way, I almost die of exhaustion. It was exhilarating. All the while I keep hoping for the stupidest thing, a glance of her.

The third time is the last day of school. I proceed by the direct route, leaving bewildered friends as I seem to walk towards nowhere. I feel like I'm headed nowhere. I know that back at school I've let myself fail three subjects intentionally. I could have fought the feelings of dejection but I didn't I let myself sink to the lowest mental capacity. Happy days it feels like secondary school again. I should have been able to do better. Fuck it, my psyche commands. The least I did was ensure that I didn't take a group down with me. Seems like I can let myself down but not a group. I feel like a dipshit.

And I exacerbate my feeling of defeat. I carry it on my shoulders, my dead blank stare. I have mastered apathy as the cure for the dull aching despair. Nothing goes right, a disaster of my own crafting. I had hoped for release. That my beloved night would have answers for me. On that walk I find questions that but mirrors my despair.

I find myself on a road. The dark pools around it and the world beyond in the light seems artificial, a mirage. For that moment I own that negative space, before a car clumsily casts its headlight in wild abandon, an attempt to drive away my darkness, I own it. It feels perfect but I must move on.

I don't know which is more painful, that the girl didn't acknowledge my invitation that night or that I found that I can shrug off the physical manifestations of defeat so easily and yet the emotional scars remain. Neither helped heal me I think.

I'm sick but I refuse to sleep. I think I fear something there now.

Douglas Coupland. Saw his latest book, for some reason while writing this I read up on the experience of someone being waterboarded. This incongruity struck me as Coupland-esque. I don't know why, but I'm compelled to write it down. I think I'm god damned chuffed to see myself as being worthy of a Coupland narrative. It's crazy but fuck it. Also, too much swearing in this post.

Fuck it.

Went to Baguio. Didn't get the girls anything in return for their Darth Vader. Sigh, I am a scumbag. I'll get them something from Manila I guess. Came back sick. Full damn circle.

When the pain subsides to numbness

2007-12-10T00:07:00.000+08:00

It never really goes away. The last week was marked by it's never ending emotional toll. The rage and pain seems to have subsided but I think all I'm doing is repressing it, it feels like it lurks just below the surface, waiting for my weakness to unleash itself. I can't get myself to do anything critical.

The pain of betrayal was supplanted by rage and then by a perturbed stillness. Questions of guilt, of why, of wondering if I could have done anything about it. And now the strongest amongst us is asking for the hardest thing.

I want to give my mom what she wants, I know she hurts more than any of us could ever feel, and has more right to be unforgiving. But I'm unable to forgive yet.

6 years of cheating. fuck you dad.

Mad Dr. Frankenstein Laughter

2007-11-11T04:45:00.000+08:00

It lives! It lives! Problem was in power supply, phew. Dodged a bullet there, wasn't a problem with my main hardware.

My brain is kinda feeling a bit weird with the typing. I'm trying to learn the dvorak layout but my monkey fingers are fighting it.

Stream of Invectives

2007-11-04T21:40:00.000+08:00

God still hates me. For some unknown reason my PC isn't working. Fans spin up but then die. And then restart. And die. Sigh. Can't gather the energy to work up a good amount of swear words for my situation, so I'll have to make do with "Well. Shit."

Nothing solid to stand upon

2007-10-13T01:27:00.000+08:00

Last sem before I go on to take my internship. Oh how the spectre of adulthood looms. Well, not really. I've recently gotten quite obsessed droolfest over BrickCon '07 photos posted on Flickr despite the fact that I haven't played with my lego collection in forever. I think I'm pining for my childhood or something. My minor subjects have given me a sudden sense of disconnect with my past. Filipino Rhetoric and History have left me with the disconcerting feeling of looking down at the ground beneath my feet and seeing instead an inexplicable void. They are parts of my past, things that have made what I am in the distant past and not knowing much about them has made me feel like I'm standing on the thinnest of clouds with only my ignorance keeping me afloat. Idunno, rambling here.

Words older than myself

2007-09-19T00:52:00.000+08:00

I've taken to carrying this book of poetry from my sister's library, a book that she won from a poetry recital thing in her course. It's titled "Six Filipino Poets". I realized that the book was initially published in the 1950's as the introduction stated that but I only recently realized that the book says that its published in 1955. A fact that I find so hard to believe as the book is in such good condition.

I'm researching it now. I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to feel guilty for not taking better care of it. My 2D anim prof, Sir Gilbert saw me reading the book and he commented that one of the poets used to be his teacher at UP. I think I found the poet's son's blog. Incidentally, Taking back the word Filipina.

I think I wanted to write more about the profundity of carrying around a book with more than half a century of history but I believe my words will be an epic failure so instead I will abstain... holy crap I carry an $81 book like its nothing. *commits seppuku* Is it bad that the realization hits me more when I find out the price? I'll post one of my favourite poems from the book since I can't seem to find it online:

Love Poems For Vi
By Oscar Zuniga

1. Room with April Rain

Once I was the punctual lover, the tenant
of your room,
Whose walls are yellowed by other men's
sulphurous dreams.
I was desire, the essential need to your
dancer's body
Which took passion as wine pressed from
summer fruits.

But now you are no longer what you were,
the beloved,
Who traded hours of sleep for moments
of harried love.
And yet I could not let you go, not while
the heart
Still remembers the room fragrant with late
April rain.

2. Remembrances

Now we are strangers in this room,
A sheltered world thick with mold of love;
The old arm-chair, the pillowed couch
Are hollow graves where dreams have died.

We dare not speak: harshness of speech
May flay the flesh with memores;
The lamp between us, we are as shades
Mingled with the night's flowing darkness.

The heart having felt your indrawn cry,
I flee the room, its walls quivering with hate,
Once outside the gate, remembrances of love
Accompany the jar of closing doors.

3. Red Rose

Then it was over, I had become a stranger;
My name a bitter food to a woman's
hunger.

Now a woman with a dancer's body
Walks teh streets of loneliness,
Lost to the memories of youth,
Exiled from home, love, and day.

She feels the night's dissolving darkness
Seep through her love-strained flesh;
Hears the silvery sound of wedding bells
Once set in an April that never came.

All is past: it's over now: in the morning
She meets a man with a red rose in his hand.

4. Graveyard

Since I can only love you when April violets
bloom
From your fingertips and your tongue of rotten
dust
Turns into white sand, I can only love you
when death
Walks into my house with green leaves
in his mouth.

My hate is a man's dying dreams
That creep through the shades of moonless
houses;
My hate is a concubine's melting kisses
That taste like ungathered poppies.

I should then slay you in the mesmerized waters
Of a darkening moon, amid the green,
Choking weeds in a graveyard with salty walls,
With the spine of a naked fish for knife.

I feel inadequate after that.

Randomness

2007-09-16T00:55:00.000+08:00

The pulsing beat that resounds in my head is the mere echo of that which pounds in my chest.

I'm afraid of stopping and realizing something heartbreaking, something that I already know.

I'll never grow old. Not a positive trait. There is a lack of emotional maturity that makes me wonder why I get so serious about girls.

Emerging from a tunnel, it's like a new world. We enter in the rain and emerge into an arid world.

Love Song for Liz Dunn

2007-09-03T05:25:00.000+08:00

I'm back to my old insomniac behaviour. Got up just to write this post down that has been festering in my mind since I don't know when.

Went to watch plainsunset's 2nd ever Manila gig over at Mag:net Bonifacio where they played alongside Urbandub. It was awesome to finally see them live after listening to their music obsessively and somehow intertwining their music with images of Singapore, despite never having seen them play before.

Sister and I were going crazy and melancholic and giddy-happy when they went up to play. My sister more so than me but god did their song "River" make me all maudlin. Talked to plainsunset and got my sister's "the gift" cd signed for her. It felt good to feel myself dropping back into singlish while talking to the bassist. It got us wanting to go "home" even more.

I still find it strange to think that you get more mosh pits back in Singapore gigs than over here, I would have thought it to be the reverse. Oh, and saw Surreal's lead singer with them although we didn't accost him for an autograph. Kinda sad to find out Surreal is breaking up though.

I was doing my philosophy homework and I got to four pages of mindless answering when it struck me that I've expended more words on that piece of blah report than I've ever spent on the current crush. It's depressing somehow and a situation I want to remedy.

What's not so depressing is having two new books to read! I got a bit disheartened that I couldn't get Douglas Coupland's jpod at the book fair after pining after it all this time. Got Eleanor Rigby instead but it's alright since it's been a great read so far. Other book is Flowers for Algernon, chosen by my sis. Reading again has got me wondering, will I ever be known at school as "that guy with good books"? I mean, I'm resigned to the fact that I'll never be known as "that guy with good looks" but the former would be such an awesome reputation to have :D

Although I'm quite sure my sister will be quick to point out that all my good books, in fact, are hers. :p

The book fair was fun, just wish I had more time. Apparently we missed you at the book fair Mia! Our driver says he saw you there, you weren't at the RoD booth when we went by. Saw your prints, they're lovely! Wish I could have seen the books though, they sound rather pretty!

Douglas Coupland is surprising me yet again. I fell in love with his writing when I first picked up Microserfs at the library, the book that affirmed my belief that geeks can have love too :) Then I read Girlfriend in a Coma, a post apocalyptic book thats very humanistic which was a very different read from Microserfs. I've read a few chapters of Shampoo Planet and it surprised me again with the lead character's pretty cynical worldview.

And this time around Douglas Coupland is writing a heart breakingly lonely novel that I have to put down once in a while to recover emotionally from. Though the main character, Liz Dunn, is a female I can just see myself in her shoes and its just so painful to imagine the loneliness. I didn't really flinch at all when I watched the anime Welcome to the N.H.K, a series that gets bandied about in anime circles as the one that gets geeky loneliness but something about the way that Liz Dunn is written hits so close to home for me. And then Coupland has scenes that recall the creepiness of Girlfriend in a Coma which sends shudders up my spine.

I look forward to finishing the book. It's shorter compared to his other works but none of his other books has had me as emotionally sympathetic to the character as I am right now.

The Subtle Art of Writing

2007-08-25T04:19:00.002+08:00

First things first, belated happy birthday and a hearty congratulations to my sister Lystra. She's 21 which is practically ancient! Also she was named as one of the outstanding writers of her batch in De La Salle's lit program, an achievement that simultaneously makes me proud and jealous of her.

The new Blogger archive style has opened my eyes to an interesting pattern in my blog. I fervently posted in my blog the first year, tailing off on the second and then it sees a drastic fall in the last two years. Heck, this post makes my posting this year much more proliferate than my writing last year.

When I think back on my emotional status, I think I see an inverse relationship between how much I write and how well I feel. If one trusts this relationship then one is forced to conclude that I am feeling crappier about this year than the last :p

Which is not to say, that I am feeling crappier. I'm just attempting an amusing observation at 5 in the morning. And. Failing. Probably.

Lystra's lit status is kind of cool as I get to bask in the reflected glow of literature, something I love quite dearly. As she mentioned in her blog, I am jealous of her growing bookshelf filled with books of excellent quality.

And I think it also gnaws at the part of me that wants to be a writer, that piece of me that against all logic attempts to string words together to describe beauty that I never know. I hardly know the world and love and most of all people and yet I seem to be under the illusion that I can be its scribe. It's been far too long since I've written anything I consider good.

Like I remarked to a friend, I want to write. I don't quite know what to write about but I will write. Lystra once related how she finds it difficult to place herself amongst local writing because she has no idea how local culture is like how it does not have relevance to her world view and thus her writing can hardly be considered "local".

I think I fall into the same fate except make the scope of the not-knowing-a-single-thing-ness (5 am diction is bad) anything about the human condition. Sure, conventional wisdom says "write what you know" but I fear that I will fall into the trap of writing a Mary Sue character. The story I'm working on has me worried about that.

I just don't know.

I am puzzled over my feelings for her. Reading my entries about my previous crush makes me wonder why I am not breaking out the angst over my feelings for the current crush. It just bothers me that I have not invested myself in her as much as I did previously. I place such importance on words but yet I hardly make attempts at beauty when I write about this girl in contrast with the previous girl who made my blog appear... filthy with my excreable attempts at romantic words.

At least I took... something today.

Not Knowing a Good Thing

2007-08-23T23:50:00.000+08:00

I'm pretty damn sure Wednesday was a good day for me, I'm just puzzled at how I could not know it's a good day then. I think I suspected it but I couldn't appreciate it as the day progressed.

I was given a couple of offers for work, both a bit in the same field but one guaranteed money for doing basically crap jobs while the other couldn't guarantee but offers cooler opportunities to do something I care about. It brought me uncomfortably close to that question of whether you'll work for job satisfaction or for money. I've never considered that this situation would be a dilemma for me. I've always thought I would be able to choose job satisfaction without hesitation.

It was kinda flattering to think that my programming skills are in demand, no matter how dull I might consider them to be. Well, as compared to the trained students in my school anyway. I think Ronald knows the elite CSIT students. Irunno, kinda intimidating when I think of going up against them.

I start having a minor attack of nerves later that day when I couldn't find anyone else to go with me to watch a movie with the girl. I get to the cinema and I choose to leave a chair between us (her sis was with her) and at that time I thought I was doing the right thing. I don't know, no idea how anything stands right now, I'm just playing this blindly.

But the day after I kinda hate myself for not seizing the day. And then I keep waiting for the bad day that is surely attendant to myself after a good day like that. I don't know why, I'm not superstitious but it just feels right for some sort of balance to exist in the universe.

3 hours late

2007-08-23T03:13:00.000+08:00

Finally got the layout finished, after fighting blogspot's templating engine all the way. And then it turns out that the problem was PEBCAK. At least it sharpened m debugging skills some.

It's still not completely done, sidebar items need styling. You will bow before my rule damnit! After this, I've gotta move the stylesheet to an external one and then figure out how to make a stylesheet switching widget. And then a del.icio.us widget. And oh, upload my alternate page layout.

Which is less girly, thank you very much (I'm giving you a "look" cookie) (that look probably is less intimidating and more i've-got-gastric-problems but eh)

Mind the mess

2007-08-20T03:26:00.000+08:00

So I am finally changing the blog layout, after all these years. Mind the mess, layout overhaul is only halfway done. I'm supposed to have a sidebar and for some reason the blogger template engine keeps mucking around with my naming conventions, the fruit frakkers. Nevertheless I will soldier on, hope to finish this by Wednesday at the most.

Oh, and my main motivation for the overhaul? So I can have tags in my damn posts. del.icio.us has turned me into a tag whore.

I will burn in hell for that bad pun.

The Downward Spiral

2007-07-29T03:58:00.000+08:00

And the post titles just keep getting more and more melodramatic. Next thing you know it will be "zomg i am dying inside my skin zomgmyheart" or somesuch title.

Been having hardware problems in a bad way. First my mobo (I think) decides it doesn't like its own PCI-E port and goes and fraks up on me. My system is running crippled now, it won't work properly if I install the video card drivers. gfg. And then the rain decides that I like it wayyyy too much so it goes and sends a power surge down the frikkn phone line which fries my modem. So now I can't even use the internet on my own PC. Argh.

Setec Astronomy. An anagram for "Too Many Secrets". It feels like that now and its annoying me. The consequence of having friends? Idunno if I will ever truly wish that I was a loner again but seriously, being made to promise contradictory things is breaking my brain. Also, I am rather transparent so, dunno, hard to keep secrets when people guess it so easily from me. Argh. Also, seeing both sides of a matter is a horrible curse. Blah.

It's kinda nice for this post to be one long blathering on about my problems rather than being any overeager attempt at writing some kind of life-changing prose. Been doing that over the last few posts, I've just noticed.

Jeff Buckley is breaking me. Winamp (on my computer) says that I've played Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" at least 30 times now. It's just such a fitting song for a situation I find myself in. I hear that the girl I like is leaving, soon. It's... I don't know. I thought I've been making better progress at becoming a better friend to her recently but all of a sudden I find that perhaps it will be for naught.

I keep telling myself that I have no real right to be sad that she is leaving beyond the somewhat superficial level of friendship that I have with her (if that sentence makes no sense, its 4am now). But, idunno. Theres a part inside of me that just so desperately wants to have the right to say I love her but no, there is no call for me to go around saying that yet.

This is our last goodbye, Kiss me, out of desire And not consolation.

Anyway, stuff. I don't know why I even bother with obfuscating her name in this blog. Anyone who reads it would already know who I am talking about. Wonder how long I have until she leaves, haven't really talked to her since I found out that she is leaving.

Wanderlust

2007-07-12T23:31:00.000+08:00

A restlessness beset me just sitting in the cafeteria doing nothing, as usual. Just one of those moods that strike me at times. Maybe its just cause I had seen the girl or some such nonsense (ugh, here I go again with referring to my crushes as the girl) but it gripped me with such force that I had to walk down Magallanes just to calm myself down, even if I had class in 30 minutes.

The idea of fleeing into my own solitude holds a great appeal to me.

I think these walks will also eventually be the end of me. The sensation of walking, the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other, well it stops me from thinking rationally. It evokes romantic ideas too big for me and yet which I so desperately crave. The kinetics bind the body to the soul and the will of my soul, my body would want.

Sheesh, this is really getting melodramatic. I've lost my knack for writing, having not set any words of consequence down in my notebook recently.

And while I tread on that oft walked path I had a vision of walking those roads less travelled. I would just continue walking till I get out of the city, finding a winding road to the provinces and I would just continue my flight down south. I would abandon all, my education and friends. Money would be discarded cutting the tethers to home and it would ultimately lose its meaning beyond getting me to my next destination.

I will stay in a town for a week or so, long enough to find its heart but never long enough to feel home for finding home will mean the end of this flight. I'll discover myself on the road and then when I reach the sea I'll turn around and make the long walk north and maybe go home wiser. Or I might just keep walking northward bound until I disappear, from earth and memories of my loved ones.

And while I know I will never find the courage to do as I had seen, I will cherish this waking dream.

By the light of our burning bridges

2007-06-25T01:17:00.000+08:00

The title of this post doesn't really have anything to do with the contents of this post. It's just a phrase that has been clinging on to my brain for some reason or another. One of my prof's told me that blogging is like shitting on your underwear and then turning it over and wearing it again.

I like it

His description of blogging I mean. Not the shitunderwear thing.

It's 1AM now. The week has officially begun and I'm glad for it. The last week has been rather bad for me. Nothing tragic though. Just. Bad.

Earlier in the week, I found out through my parents that my calculation of how long I'll still be in school was off. Instead of my projected one year and a sem, they tell me that according to the school, I'll be stuck in there for another two years. Damn it.

It's not that I'm doing badly in school, its just that my choices are coming back to bite me. Hard. Should have taken full loads like my classmates instead of taking it easy some sems. It's not just the length of my stay in college that is bothering me. It's the feeling that it is compounding on my earlier failures in life, like the stupidity in high school. So frustrating.

Add that to the general loneliness that I felt, hardly ever seeing the girl that I like, the feeling that I've let her pass through my own inaction. I think thats the theme of my feelings this week. How I've let my life drift off course, that if I had only acted sooner, more resolutely, I might not be so far off from the path that I want my life to take. It's emotionally rough, this feeling. It makes you sullen, unable to pull yourself together to extricate yourself from this situation.

And then to top it all off, I go ahead and lose my bag through my own naivety. It's not so much the material possession that I mind losing, its the memories that have gone into that bag. I've let my friends scribble little drawings and sayings all over its surface, making them a part of me for as long as I have that bag. Or at least it feels that way. But no, I had to go and trust that my bag is safe in a classroom with people. Grmble.

I also miss my drawing supplies, my Tria and Copic markers, various mech pencils and my notebooks. Dear lord. Please don't let whoever stole my bag read the cheesiness that are my notebooks.

And to top it all off, I saw the girl on Thursday. It should have lifted my mood. It actually did, for a while. But then I realized that no matter how happy she might make me feel, I do not believe I have the ability to make her happy.

And that feeling utterly sucks.

Ah well, another week, another chance to frak up my life some more.

Ambulating

2007-05-22T00:43:00.001+08:00

For all the independence of thought that I attribute to myself, I find myself so easily influenced by media that I consume. In rereading Catcher in the Rye, I find myself using the word 'crumby' a bit too much in my internal dialogue. I guess I'm just another one of the herd. Media consumes me.

Firefox's American spellcheck dictionary just confused me over the spelling of 'dialogue' so badly. Still haven't completely switched from British spelling to American bastardised english. Just installed me the Britland dictionary. Its like a live blogging here!

Went to school with weird expectations today. I don't think I was expecting much but I was expecting something. I really ought to stop imagining non-existent conversations between people and myself. I'm pretty sure its bad for one's mental health. I thought I was safe from an action of mine that was spurred on by desperation. Turns out that no, no I'm not. I think my face drained when I heard that. I'm pretty sure it'll be awkward if I see her tomorrow.

Forgot my cellphone so I couldn't get picked up from school. This part isn't that interesting except for sitting in Jollibee and reading Catcher in the Rye which, idunno. Reading a book in a fastfood restaurant while you're reading seems to be pretty scaggy (a stolen word from Going Postal) behaviour to me. There is just an element about it that is so wrong. Also, not getting fetched from school led to a conversation in the toilet while I prepared to do number 2.

Yes, you did not need to know that.

Anyway, due to not being fetched I missed the last shuttle out of school and I had to walk from one end of Magallanes to the other. Not that significant a distance but I walked it alone. Usually this hike would be undertaken with friends. I don't have anything against them but walking alone gives me such a feeling of freedom and, paradoxically, less lonely.

During the crappy years of high school/secondary school I used to walk from the school to my house, laden with my heavy school bag and I'm pretty sure it was at least 2 kilometers.

My solitary walk evoked these memories and I had a fantastic idea. I would walk home all the way from my school. I entertained this idea quite seriously in my head as I realized that with almost all the schools I've studied in, I've been able to walk home to or from there.

Tonight I only walked part of the way. I think I badly want to do this now.

Getting Over It

2007-05-19T04:40:00.000+08:00

This week has been kinda rough emotionally. Don't want to get into specifics, just want to note it down here in my long neglected blog.

The fourth years of the overnight family has graduated. Good riddance I say. No, not really. Their presence in APC will be missed greatly.

Hopefully the first small step into updating this thing regularly.

Brittle

2006-09-30T01:00:00.000+08:00

The past few days have passed me by in such a strange way. For some reason, with this cloak of civilisation we wear, we forget we're at natures mercy so easily. Maybe I should stop using we and say I.

A storm has blown through Metro Manila. A particularly savage one, wind and rain entwined. I think its sad that I did not even think to become engaged in this display of fury and beauty, did not even think to appreciate it. I used to love these things.

It was delibidating. Electricity, modern civilisation's lifeblood, was cut off. Safety reasons they say. I heard tell of motorcycles taking flight. It almost sounds fanciful, like a childs dream. Or nightmare tales of billboards run amok, nth foot giant people becoming a whirling devrish.

Without the comforting glow of electric lights, the nights become primal. We eat by candlelight, and for entertainment I forsake the ether of the internet for books. I read till there is no more light.

A stroll outside reveals the world to be in chaos yet..? Trees are torn, broken at their roots and made to bow before natures majesty terrifying and wondrous. Splinters litter the ground and the wonderful smell of the aftermath hangs in the air. A different atmosphere perhaps less inviting and offering less comfort than air-conditioned air but it has an allure, a mystery. Excitement.

I'll keep my window open, for now

Oh, and semiotheque is back. When did that happen? SQUEE!

Jealously Written

2006-09-30T00:48:00.000+08:00

I feel rather envious of my contemporaries. Its the writing thing again you see, Its that itch I want to scratch yet feel so inadequate to do so. Reading entries on other peoples blogs make me wish so much I can write like that. I've written nothing of consequence lately. All I've written are mindless, souless drivel. Complaints about life in general. I feel like an old man.

Below is a sample of such writing

Well.. I survived this term. Not unscathed, not without sacrifices, but at least I survived. Considered, my statements may sound overdramatic but I stand by them.

Been reading American Gods again, and it put into my mind the idea that education can be a God. I've sacrificed nights of sleep, probably my health (I should be taking better care of myself) willingly. Unto the altar of... what, excellence? I've done rather well. Not my best term ever but at least I've gotten myself 4's in the major subjects that matter to me.

I am such a nerd for focusing on that.

I haven't been able to talk to old friends much lately. No net connection at home. I really ought to try this new fangled thing called "e-mail" sometimes. Err. If anyone of you guys are reading this, hi.

Stream of consciousness: It's 12:28. I've managed to break my bad habit of writing at 4 am in the morning. Hurrah for me!

Made a decision on the fly. I really should consider these things more. Heck, I should be considering my whole life a lot more closely nowadays. Still have no concrete plan for my life. Taking whatever comes day by day. Not that good of an idea at such a crucial juncture of ones life when you think about it. It will soon be time to make a transition from studying to becoming a working adult.

Oh, that decision. I'm taking Game Authoring for my Media Production major next term. All the friends I'm close to are taking 3D and they pretty much have a dream team assembled over there. I'm not regretting my decision just yet. After all this is what I enrolled in ABMA for, to get into the games industry but ABMA has aroused a passion for animation in me. Bleh. Decisions messing with my head.

Sometimes I miss the whiny old Jeiel, the one who would pine for loves that never was (I'm a breakin' grammer to sound romantic). At least his blog isn't this dry, whining about school stuff.

Still tastes like marketing

2006-07-10T03:52:00.000+08:00

So here I am, posting at 3:51 am. Again. Even though I promised myself that my next post will be done at a sane hour.

I quite worryingly seem to have a head for this "marketing" subject. More accurately, its called marketing communication but whatever. To me the core of marketing seems to be just a way to view the world and people is such a cold, diffident manner. In terms of "markets", "psychographics", "segregation" and what have you. It just worries me that I seem to be able to grasp the concepts so easily. Is my mind so attuned to bullshit generation?

I don't really have anything against marketers, it's just the trade they plie is just so downright creepy. Advertising is basically widescale behaviour modification, and the thing is nobody is bloody immune to it.

I think Singapore got it right when they banned billboards. Going out here in the Philippines is just downright depressing. Everywhere you go, you get bombarded with ads, none of them particularly interesting. I just wish the billboards here were as accessible as the ones in America, then you might see ad hacking like what the Billboard Liberation Front does. Going up on a billboard structure here seems rather suicidal.

In other fronts, I have a faint dislike for Pixar now.

I'm (unfairly) blaming them for an academic choice that I have to make. Next trimester I get to choose between focusing on Game Authoring or 3d Animation for Multimedia Production 1 (MAPROD1). If I were me maybe a year ago, the choice would be really simple. I'd jump all over Game Authoring like man deprived of basic needs pertaining to the crotch regions but now the choice is a bit more difficult to make. Having been exposed to all the great and not so great (Hoodwinked, I'm looking at you) animation in the past year has made me consider a career in animation too.

Animation as a medium of expression is just so fun and collaborative. And it seems to me that the animation industry is more prone to experimentation with the medium than the game industry seems to be. Or at least there is a bigger market for being experimentative in animation than there is in the game industry.

Then again, I may not have to make this decision just yet. I'm still unsure as to whether I can take MAPROD. Damn all my back subjects.

Inspirational Deconstructed

2006-07-02T04:22:00.000+08:00

Boing Boing linked a flickr set (meta)today about a man who teaches electrical engineering for free. For some reason, it's just so captivating to go through this set. First there is the imposition of the contrasts between worlds going on. Here's this young guy, packing a Treo and walking about lost when this old man walks up to him and drags him to his world, in a basement three stories below.

And in this lair, the old man shows the young one how he teaches people to do electrical engineering. And it's just so.... different from the young man's world. And the photo set shows it so clearly.

And for some reason this inspires me to write a short sci-fi story of some sort. I mean, its so easy to imagine that the world will advance enough that the high tech engineering of today would only be taught in schools like those. Technology would become so transparent to everyday people that the only way people can coexist with the technology is to simply not see it. And the only people who really know how the world works would be people like Mr. Anthony Abela.

It's not that good of a deconstruction of an inspiration for what might become a story but hopefully this post reminds me to write the story.

In an interesting yet stupid sidenote, I am living proof that writing late at night makes you do stupid things with words. Wonder who will be the poor chap who gets the e-mail...

Where will you run to, child?

2006-06-20T02:17:00.000+08:00

A rather scary thought just hit me that I really need to write, despite having an 8 am class tomorrow and it being 2 am of the same day. Hmm.. that made no sense. Maybe I ought to change the title of this blog to midnight musings. It won't make me write more but at least it would have a pretty name. Then again, that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, back to the original point. I've got no past I can run back to. Maybe it's just melodrama but there is a realization now that I am rather stuck, chronologically. The past that I would say has a meaning to me, there is just no substantial way I can go back. Back to lan parties, midnight walks, frank conversations in our own private tongues.

All I can get now might be fleeting days of fellowship or words transmitted on the electron stream.

Somehow it doesn't seem fair.

And I'm being all stupid about it.

Faced with this gulf between myself and my past life, past friends, what I really should be doing is embracing the now. You know, figure out who I am, explore this world I'm thrust upon instead of turning away from it, choosing only to see what I earnestly wish. I have a rather annoying habit of attempting to transpose the past to my present. It's a private guilt but it is so cloyingly addictive you know, to look back to the past. But you're really just looking back at a time when you were none the wiser, stupider if I want to be blunt.

I just put Greg's Last Day on winamp.

It's not really the feeling of loneliness that prompted me to write this post. I don't think I'm lonely anymore, its just a jarring sense of disconnect, of emptiness maybe. Where the hell can I run to when the now is too painful? It only hit me after an excess of two years.

I Have Been Remiss

2006-06-04T04:17:00.000+08:00

Well... it's been four months since I've touched my blog. I've missed writing about some pretty significant events in my life. Even my 21st birthday has gone by unrecorded. There is something vaguely comforting about that thought, strange as it might sound. In the digital age where the connected has somehow evolved into an information obsessed offshoot of the human race, hungrily gathering and generating masses of data (to what end I may never be able to fathom), I retain my basic humanity by the time tested method of being a lazy whelp.

It cheers me somewhat, really. I need something to keep my mind off the fact that I'm bloody 21 already.

Besides getting older, I've recently gone back to Singapore after two years of being subjected to the Philippines. There was a feeling of homecoming but... not quite. Going back there, it rather felt like I never left. The roads, the air, the trains. It was all familiar to me. Maybe too familiar.

A weird rambling thought conjured at 4 in the morning. Yeah, I'm doing it again.

It was a blast though, seeing all the guys again. It's striking how much change two years can bring and yet underneath all of that, I can still see the friends that I left behind. For one thing, there is more army talk amongst them. Consequentially, the average lengths of their hair has declined. But beneath all that there is still Boon's unflagging cheerfulness, Thomas and his never ending supply of wise cracks and Delon being that friend I could always blab with.

This does bring up the nature of friendships though. The last semester has been a great one for me at APC. Being put in the 3D animation team (that one I mentioned in my last post) has been a blessing for me. The friends I've made because of that... well I've always been partial to being a loner but thats mostly because I'm rather picky with friends. These guys struck a chord with me though. Maybe it's a bit like the phenomena of Trench Buddies. Theres the common passion for what we're doing and we slog through overnights at school together. Irunno.

What gets me thinking is that somehow I feel like I'm being a better friend to the group I have now than my buds back in Singapore. It's mildly unsettling, although come to think of it, I may just be maturing. And maybe I've learned to treasure friendships more nowadays. There is something of a bond, a familial kind of link I feel for my friends here and the course I'm in. It's one of the few good things that I feel I've been blessed with in the move here to the Philippines.

Anyway, enough with the ranty rant.

WIIIIIIIIIIRRRRREEEEEEDDDDDDDD

2006-02-07T06:58:00.000+08:00

I'm at school. I've been up since yesterday. I am wired on coffee and red bull.

1 3D animation competition. 30 seconds of footage. 1 week to do it. 4-5 overnights in school.

Totally freaking sweet.

I am still wired on red bull.

Everybody Goes Sometime

2006-01-30T06:08:00.000+08:00

It's 6 am. If I was a sane person I would be mumbling curses at the alarm clock as it wakes me from the stupor of sleep. If I was a sane person I would not be up writing this post. Quite clearly, I am not sane. Instead of the much needed siesta which I should have been taking, I was toiling through the night trying to complete tagalog homework. I am pumping myself full of caffiene later on. Also, I am most dissapointed that I could not find the translation for "vagina" in the english-tagalog dictionaries that I used. *shrugs*

This post will now veer so off tangent that your head will spin. Ready?

~~Gong Xi Fa Cai~~ Kung Hei Fat Choi. According to the lunar calendar, it is now the year of the dog. Hurrah. No ang baos or bak kwa for me. Not so hurrah. The lunar new year somewhat highlights a significant difference between Here and There. Multi-culturism actually works doesn't it? The Chinese in Singapore celebrate the Chinese New Year with friends of other races. Over here, the Chinese of the previous generations have developed a "us vs. them" attitude which keep celebrations rather exclusive.

Except when CNY is being financially exploited. Of course.

Hang on to your hats I'm gonna drift this post into the post title <initial-d-esque tire squeal>

I was riding shotgun in a car with a couple of classmates. They get to talking about the condition of her father, recent heart attack survivor. I keep my mouth shut. I don't like the subject of death. That and I never really seem close to my dad anyway.

Yeah.

Later that same evening and I'm with my family having dinner at my aunt's place. Jokes are shared, food enjoyed. You know, family stuff. The context is something depressing. We're there because my grandfather has cancer.

Yeah.

I'll continue this post later, I need to prepare for school now.

With a Penchant for...

2005-12-27T02:58:00.000+08:00

I have a penchant for posting at late nights. So sue me. The never sleeping thing has been commented on by neighbours. Damn you. Maybe I should just turn off the lights but then again wise men on the internets have spouted wisdom along the lines of "Sleep is for teh weak". So I survived Christmas. I think. It is vaguely disturbing that I have turned into a hallmark-ism but what got me out of the funk I was in was the Christmas family reunion. On an unrelated note, my fingers have Tourette's syndrome. Typing "funk" yielded the word "fuck" instead (I did it again). Christmas still seemed to have a special kind of desperation though. Just my observation of people who were out on Christmas morning. Maybe that was just my interpretation of their hope though. Still, I didn't feel much of the purported joy that laces the air in Christmas much like the smell of urine on the streets here. I must be the only person in the world who can be a Grinch past Christmas. I'm supposed to be getting depressed about New Year damnit. Ah well, let's write it off to procastination. Speaking of the new year, the World Pyro Olympics are being held here. Much much much fireworks.

Merry Christmas?

2005-12-25T02:41:00.000+08:00

It is officially christmas now. I am posting this at 2:42 am so uhhh. Yeah. I never sleep.

I really do not feel the christmas spirit this year. Just something ineffable. Irunno. Can't pinpoint it.

Anyway, merry christmas k? Still thinking about going back to Singapore next year. Damnit I want to but no one will be around. Damn NS. Collateral damage right there.

I fart in your general direction.

This post is really going nowhere. I guess I'm just trying to stave off this feeling of emptiness. Angst angst angst angst.

K thnx bye.

2005-12-06T05:00:00.000+08:00

Listen to her plotting hands. They weave silent dreams, painting the canvas in morose brown tones. Her smile echoes down empty hallways deserted by midnight. Three, the number of times her brushstrokes enslave my eyes. Twice I drown myself. There is only once to recall the promise a heart unsatisfied.

I almost posted that in vocabulary notebook. It has no place there, I guess this space is adequate for it.

NaDruWriNi

2005-11-06T11:59:00.000+08:00

I clean out my room and then I come across an article about how getting rid of your junk can make you happy. I can safely attest to that with anecdotal evidence! I was quite amazed at how much paper I had accumulated over a year and a half. Found some interesting things underneath the detritus of my life too.

The story of my recent life in ID cards:

Also found this slightly embarassing partly written letter that was supposed to be adressed to Thomas when I left Singapore. Forgive the gayz0r dude, I was emotional. I also have no freaking idea what the rest of the letter was supposed to say so I guess it will be one of those great unresolved mysteries of life. I was also going to write something for all of my friends but uhm, eh, didn't pan out. I am way too lazy, even in the face of sorrow.

Last night's chat with the #L^P mofos was fun, even if it did lead to Edi's gf Kaori having err gay fanfic fantasies about us. Yes, it was much much much disturbing. Also my deepest sympathies to Edison. Maxtor fucking sucks man.

It has also come to my attention that indeed, this month is National Novel Writing Month or if you are into ridiculous abbreviations, NaNoWriMo. Jeez. That thing looks like a preteen raped a word with spastic caps. Anyhoo, while the endeavour of writing a novel in its entirety in one month seems like an interesting challenge it holds little interest for me.

What is much much much much more interesting however is a parallel event being held by Websnark. NaDruWriNi or in the language of the sane, (inter)National Drunk Writing Night. A night that will surely be marked by splendid debauchery when various people around the globe load up their word processors and then proceed to get loaded up, maaan, on their alcomahol of their choice! I surely will be looking forward to the fruits of their drunken labour. Too bad I can't really take part. Sounds like a fun excuse to get drunk.

In final fun stuffs over the intarweb, drawing 700 hoboes. I'm taking part in it. Also this smexy pirate picture which I have inexplicably opened in my browser.

What I Want

2005-10-20T01:32:00.000+08:00

Here's a fun little list from Behavioural Sciences class:

I may have laughed maniacally when I wrote the last few. I do so enjoy irony (except when it is in the Alanis Morrisette sense). Also mass killings. Some genocides are necessary and even beneficial.

Also, Behasci prof is somewhat uhm... strange. Too happy happy funtime. She's a psychiatrist. She sings in class. Also ambushed me with a tickle from behind to demonstrate sense of touch. "Commandor, I needs a pepp0r spr4y!".

The list is also mostly true.

Did you know you can make reportedly good chocolate mousse with tofu?

On the off chance that someone who drops by actually cares or is much too bored at the present moment, vote Florian Mueller! Just, VOTE DAMN YOU!

I am Most Underwhelmed

2005-10-14T01:52:00.000+08:00

Silly meme. I thought you would be much more interesting. Via Flying Backwards.

Delve into your blog archive.
Find your 23rd post.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

And here's my sentence: "Man I miss that website"

So so underwhelmed by the result of this. Someone else try it, you're bound to get something more interesting than mine.

Aardvaarkarkakrakrakk is Hard to Spell

2005-10-11T21:24:00.000+08:00

I watched Corpse Bride today. Alone. Should have caught the trailers so I could see the one for 40 Year Old Virgin. That would be me in 20 more years! Another significant event today is the consumption of Spam in a restaurant specializing in Spam.

I came away from the experience with the precious knowledge that Spam is overrated.

Just to make things clear that little pearl of wisdom was gleaned from the eating part of the narrative, not the watching a movie part. Just wanted to be crystal clear on this.

Watching movies alone.. sob... alone..

Uhm.. so on to more disturbing things. Aardman Animation (purveyors of claymation, creators behind Wallace & Gromit) had a nice little bonfire at their warehouse. Why bring this up? When I read that this morning, my heart broke in sympathy for Nick Park and his wonderful team of animators down there. I mean.. losing 15 years of such rich artistic history. It's gotta suck. But then I read what Nick Park had to say about the subject.

Even though it is a precious and nostalgic collection and valuable to the company, in light of other tragedies, today isn't a big deal

And then it struck me. I was more moved by a disaster that happened to a bunch of sets in engerland than I was by the plight of an untold millions in the Asian earthquake. It is somewhat disturbing that I cared more about art work than I cared about people. It is something that occurs to me quite often really. I'd rather love an abstract idea more than a person.

Damn You Tom Green!

2005-09-05T18:29:00.000+08:00

So, Semiotheque Guy. Or as I like to call him, Tom Green (this ought to be self explanatory really). Daaaamn Yooooou! The Best Way To Be Broken, Part 1 just made me so jealous with it's earnest honesty and writing that just aches to be made into an indie song. It's just so reminiscent to the lyrics of Deathcab (new album soon wooo!) that I fall in love with it so readily.

And yes, I am aware how disturbing my man-crush on him is. So painfully aware.

I've made up my mind to restart Vocabulary Notebook over the sem break. The new design is pretty much done already, it just needs to be made into a template. I also may change the format to something similar to semiotheque where I will write when I feel like it. Being forced to write every weekday is just plain exhausting. Or maybe I'll make myself write twice a week instead, we'll see.

Oh yeah, the pitifully short sem break is upon us! All shall rejoice and dance without pants! The last few weeks were seriously draining, going into crunch mode to complete the sudden deluge of final projects. Gah.

The UP Cursor party was a welcome release for the stress. Pictures will be posted later. As for the digital art competition, I came in tenth. I'm choosing to look at that positively, focusing on the fact that I got into the finalists.

My results for this trimester is pretty good, I'm averaging at 3.16 now. I can take an average grade for my last subject and still retain a 3.0 GPA. Huzzahs all around as far as I'm concerned.

Weird pictar of the whenever:

A CD-ROM drive ghettoed onto a tricycle! It was just so strange to see what a PC component on a normally low-tech vehicle. Another strange sight I saw on the roads here was a pink painted truck euphamistically named "Roadside People Caretakers" (or something to that effect, exact name escapes me now). It had a flower painted on it. And it had a cage inside it. Yeah. Police state scariness.

TOP 10!

2005-08-31T11:07:00.000+08:00

Like, DUDE! @rte Attack. There was a digital art competition on the theme of "Art and Technology United". And like... TOP 10! Moi!!

They're on exhibit at Melchor Hall 2nd Floor Lobby, UP Dilliman from August 26 to September 2. I may just head on over there to have a look see. Even if I don't get anything its still my work on exhibit. Whee!

Verticality

2005-08-18T02:12:00.000+08:00

One Singapore Minute, a project by Monsieur Brown that uses flickr to chronicle a slice of time in Singapore. An interesting idea. Perhaps I'll do something similar except for the Singapore part.

Why post about this? I came across this shot of the downwards view from a HDB balcony and it struck me how absolutely Singaporean it is personally. It's a simple yet vivid expression of how the Singaporean everyday joe sees life. The majority of people in Singapore live in apartment blocks, living vertically. I only came to see this vertical perspective with the change of my own environment. Over here in the Philippines most people live in houses that at the most will reach four storeys.

Maybe its a strange idea, a national identity based on how high up you live but its real to me. Visiting friend's flats (apartments) on the upper floors and looking down to the concrete expanse below and being somewhat nervous at the thought of falling down. It's a memory that my mind has irrevokably connected with Singapore.

I'm still searching for my place in the world. Philippines is a homeland. I cannot help but identify with the people. From what I see, there is a great potential in the Filipino. There is talent there is boundless optimism and cheerfulness and there is warmth. Then there is also government. The largest factor for the failure of the Philippines in my mind is the administration. There is too much crap in it.

But still.. Singapore. It's my adopted homeland. The cynicism, the competition, the modernism, the multiculturalism and most importantly the friendships that were forged in that crucible. I've pretty much assimilated the language and the cultural protocols. It's another kind of home. It's home in the way that you just love that old shirt. You know it's feel, you know how it wears. Despite of, or because of, all its faults you love it. Or maybe the faults are just peripheral things I've grown to embrace. Maybe Singapore is just home because that is where my heart is (cue crappy National Day song please).

Jurong East is in the Minister's pants! I mean.. pocket! Also.. wtf-alien is going on with those feelers...

Look! Random output-orama! My first animation exercise! Simple-ish and rather shaky but it's still animation right? Also, Chortus. Ehh.. I played the bass and sister was on the guitar and vocals. It's pretty much the final push into the finals for this trimester. A few more weeks and I get a break. Hurrah.

EDIT: Wah lew... found satay pic in the photostream. Now damn hungry for Singapore food at 3 am. Anyone can send me Roti Prata?

Eight Days

2005-07-11T23:00:00.000+08:00

I think its difficult to accurately describe the vapidness of the Singaporean magazine called Eight Days. Such is its vacuousness that the simple non-existence of matter is not enough, to print out the magazine the theoretical creation of Anti-matter was necessary to allow the editors to publish material of such triviality and non-consequence.

Nevertheless I love it.

Not for the content mind you, I have divested of my feelings and thoughts on it and you should know of my low opinion about it by now. Unless your eyes glazed over while reading that in which case. Eh, why are you reading this blog? My dad came back from a quick business trip to Singapore and brought back that week's issue of Eight Days. It's disquieting how such an inane rag can bring me back to Singapore if only in my mind.

In more exciting Singapore related news, Peepshow won! the Youth Alive Finals. Big mamafuck w00t to Boon and Edmund and the rest of the band. May you guys be as blessed in future musical endeavours and rock out the Esplanade on August 9 baby! National day style!

Wait, its time for Things-You-Did-Not-Need-to-Know-About-Jeiel! When I woke up, I immediately checked the LP blog for news of the Youth Alive Finals and when I saw that Peepshow had won, I celebrated with whoops of joy. I guess most people would find this normal except I was only in my underwear at that time. So Boon, when I was celebrating your victory I want you to know, I was in my tighty-whities. Yeah. Wasn't wearing the Hulk boxers unfortunately.

Blog of the moment: The Retard Patrol. The Friendster community is, unfortunately, a varied one and within this cesspool of retardedness there is a subspecies that is so mind-numbingly stupid that only a few brave men will dare wade into this sewage of humanity and examine it. For science. Well, occasionally the aforementioned men will laugh and poke fun at the Ah-bengs and Ah-lians but this blog is mainly a Scientific Endeavour For The Progressmentiveness Of Knowledge For All Mankind. Okay, so seriously they make fun of stupid friendster profiles. Among other things.

HOWTO: Make Drawing Unfun

2005-07-04T21:04:00.000+08:00

Gah. Freehand drawing is being evil now. Try shading 40%-50% of a 12"X18" sketchpad. And trying to complete it in a few hours. Bleh I say! Oh well, my fault for being a procastinator and not working on it more before today (has to be submitted tomorrow).

Collegial Stupidity Goes Boink

2005-07-03T19:33:00.000+08:00

Yarrrrh. Today is Sunday and I had a supplementary class at school. Well I was supposed to have a class. Administrative stupidity rocks. It was a digital photography class. Would have been nice to have learned how to make the most out of the digicam but the school administration fucked up. Sweet.

The upshot to the mess up though is that I went to the mall to watch Hitchhikers Guide. Great great great movie. Some changes from the books but eh. I shouldn't have been surprised by the scriptwriters making Trillian fall for Arthur, you always need a love interest in a movie but.. in the books I just found it more interesting when Trillian didn't really express all that much interest in Arthur, even when they were the only two humans in the galaxy left. That part of the book just so stubbornly went against the expectation of the reader that it spiced the book up more.

And besides, the love story that was So Long and Thanks for All the Fish was more romantic. Man I love that song. If I wasn't so self conscious I would have danced out of the theatre to that song.

Zombie Cows go "Mooobrains"

2005-06-25T14:14:00.000+08:00

Ben & Jerry's Ice cream is anti Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone. In my opinion, this is a flawed policy based on fallacies. Anything that may lead to a humans vs. zombie cows war can only be a good thing. Take up your dessert spoons comrades! We will push back the Ben & Jerry's threat pint by creamy pint!

I'm somewhat missing being in a computer course now. I feel so mediocre in Multimedia Arts right now. There is something to be said about the effect of being good at your course of study on your ego.

But the thing is, I know why I'm not at the level that I want to be in. It's all about practice. I've never really stretched my abilities when it comes to art, especially the traditional kind. All I've done are little insignificant doodles on notebooks. I guess with hard work, I could push my abilities to what I want.

But I am le' lazy. And yet I don't want to be. But the battle between willpower and laziness seems to have a bias for laziness. It's just me, I know.

Hahaha. The L^P mofo's look like a damn emo band liao with all those nerd glasses. Also, a big congrats to the Edmund, Boon and the rest of their band for making it to the Youth Alive finals.

Thems the Breaks

2005-06-02T01:23:00.000+08:00

Have you ever seen someone who made you wish you believed in love at first sight? The girl of unassuming beauty.

First day of school today. Uhhh. Lets just say adjusting my schedule made it all bitch-fucky. I finally have a full load but at the expense of having to be at school every day at 8 and leaving school at most of the days at 5-ish. With a lot of breaks in between classes. Argh.

No more sleeping at 3am for me.

Stolen Quotes, Stolen Thoughts

2005-05-22T06:56:00.000+08:00

Nature, coincidence, can often be a heavy-handed symbolizer. She seems at times fairly to club one over the head with significance ... so obvious even in its details that it (is) embarrassing. One is constantly being confronted with a sun that bursts from behind the clouds just as the home team takes the ball; ominous rumblings of thunder when one is brooding desultorily at home; magnificent sunrises on days when one has resolved to mend one's ways; hurricanes that demolish a bad man's house and leave his good neighbor's untouched, or vice-versa; Race Streets marked SLOW; Cemetery Avenues marked ONE WAY. The man whose perceptions are not so rudimentary, whose palate is attuned to subtler dishes, can only smile uncomfortably and walk away, reminding himself, if he is wise, that good taste is, after all, a human invention.

john Barth, "The Floating Opera"

Food for thought the next time I'm all snobbish and elitist about something. I categorically will not apply this philosophy towards stupid songs and/or blogs though.

Brendan'd

2005-05-19T13:31:00.000+08:00

Dude! So like... dude... I was checking vocab book's stats when I noticed man, like a huge ass spike on like, the stat page and duuuude dude dude dude, guess what, I'VE BEEN BRENDAN'd! Semi-exciting that VB has been mentioned in a blog that isn't mine... so yeah :p Also, fanboyism.

In other news, I'm particularly appalled by the breadth of Wikipedia's coverage on VeggieTales, or rather by the lack of it. You would have thought the "wikipedians" would have turned their rabid love for information onto this great animated series but noooo. And I can't contribute anything either, other than that I <3 Larry.

I've been watching VeggieTales videos, can you tell?

Oh.. and the subjects in school that I love are amongst my lowest scores (if we discount the 0 I got for PE...). Tough love man.. tough love. Okay, so my scores were 3.0 and 3.5. It's still not the 4.0 I got for two other subjects though. I'm too much of a nerd :/

On a very random note, JEIEL HENRIQUE!

Only Happy When It...

2005-05-13T03:02:00.000+08:00

It FINALLY rained.

Everything is all right now.

Enrolled into school for the next tri. Have a regular-ish class and an almost regular load. Just need to get a subject added in and I'm good. Sucks that 2D anim was full though. Shame cause I wanted to take that class.

Oh hey guess what, Chronicles of Narnia trailer is out. Production values look great and so does the casting. Hope the movie is as great as the book.

Semiotheque guy makes me want to cry.

I think I'm finally finding my voice in writing now. At least I'm kind of comfortable with Vocab Book now. It doesn't feel too much like a struggle anymore.

I'm weird. I have too many things left half-done. Seriously. I'm looking through my projects folder and I feel like kicking my own ass for doing things in such a half-assed way.

Uhm. I'll try to make my next post not suck so much and not take such a long time either. But damnit, summer is crap. Too damn hot to post. But if you do want to read more of what I'm writing... err drop by Vocabulary Notebook. Sorry. Need to pimp it :P

Here's to hoping for more rain soon!

P.S: Read Count Your Sheep for uber-cute webcomic sadness! I mean, I even wrote fan-fiction about it! It's so damn good. Like C&H with less boy-maniacness and more girl cuteness.

The Roof, The Roof

2005-04-08T02:19:00.000+08:00

Discovered the rooftop of the school the other day. It's at the fourteenth floor, you climb to it by a metal stairwell accessed through the thirteenth floor (unmarked). It's forbidden to go up there. Went up anyway. Desolate, forbidden and windswept.

Caffeine Rollercoaster

2005-04-06T00:04:00.000+08:00

Caffeine addiction is back in full swing. Went through about four highs and four lows today. Evil. Vocab notebook is on the fourth entry already. I've officially managed to keep to a schedule! Then again 50% of my entries I had to back date.....

Why I need new friends:

LD: i bet the pope is just playing dead, and theres all these people watching him lying in state but its really jsut a wax dummy made by madam tussauds

LD: and then at his funeral, he'll jump out from behind a curtain and yell "psyche!"

The Vocab Book

2005-03-31T18:59:00.000+08:00

In my younger days, I had an english teacher. I can't remember her name now but she was simultaneously my most hated and most loved teacher at the time. It's a dichtomy but that's life.

Each week she would make us get fifty new vocabulary words each. Each week she would check our notebooks so see how we were doing.

I want to get better in writing. I think it helps with the creativity and the works of the anacrusis guy just inspires me.

To this end, I've created a new forced writing blog which I call my Vocabulary Notebook. Each school day I will go to dictionary.com's word of the day and write a story utilizing that word. I was meant to start yesterday but I got lazy. So I started today with the word Temporize. I drafted the story in school. I actually liked my draft better. For some reason though, I decided to leave the paper in school, choosing instead to fold it and write the URL of my blog down. Shameless self promotion, yes but I doubt it got read anyway. Probably got promptly thrown in the trash.

So yeah. My writing can only get better. I hope. Onward ho!

Two-Nought

2005-03-30T14:16:00.000+08:00

To paraphrase: It's my birthday tomorrow. I turn 21. I like games.

Biiiiig 20 today. I am officially old. Hopefully I can open a new blog later today about writing. Stuff. Whee.

Oh. Writing to gush about. Go on. You want to gush. You know it.

I want to write something about two-nought. Too many damn things rhyme with it. Poem kind of things. I am the rhyme master.

"Don't just go through Hip-hop, let Hip-hop go through you"

There are too many paragraphs in this post.

The Walk

2005-03-29T18:09:00.000+08:00

This is a paper I had to do for english class where we had to write a memoir. The prof limited us to a single page because we were all whining for a low minimum page count. That was evil but I decided to add more challenge to it by using the format that Anacrusis uses, that is I limited myself to 101 words per part. Click on read more to read the full paper. I don't think it lives up to the standard of the author of Anacrusis but eh, it works.

Plates clatter on the table. One is stacked high with onion rotis, another threatens to overflow with curry. Their aromas tantalizingly entwine before mingling with the hundred other smells of the hawker stall. Delon tears off a strip of roti, swabbing the curry before devouring it. Worrying between bites he muses, "So many of us going away. Thomas and Edmund going to NS. Jeiel is going back to Philippines. We going to lose contact man, our friendship how?" Over our favourite meal we mull the question. Over the din of the almost best roti stall. Its too crowded in the best.

“Yah, sometimes wild dogs roam around here”, Edison said gesturing at the road ahead of us. It’s later, on the same night. The road curves around, out of sight and into the shadows. Streetlamps barely light the way ahead. It’s eleven o’clock, the witching hour. We’re trekking through four kilometers of backroads and Delon’s unsure of our sanity. Justin peers into the trees, peeling back the darkness. “Wah, imagine we get ambushed by dogs from the trees”, he quips. “Like Resident Evil like that”. Thomas emerged from behind a dumpster, swinging a makeshift weapon around. “Lets go”, he declares with bravado.

“Eh, wait someones coming”, Edmund cautions. “Sounds like a big group”. Pai kias, we silently dreaded. Chinese gangsters. Thomas grimly tests the heft of the metal rod and we tighten our formation. Semper Fidelis; always faithful. We came around the bend to embrace the unknown fear, to come face to face with our adversaries. They numbered in the twenties, in columns of twos they advanced towards us. Rapidly assessing the situation Thomas hurriedly disposed of his weapon, embarassed. We’re not really sure what the boyscout troop thought about a gang of guys coming at them with a metal rod in hand.

We’re in back in civilisation, we’re safe. Now we walk through urbane wilds. Swigging the last drops of shandy, I consider the bottle’s weight. With abandon I toss it across a concrete chasm. It falls halfway, rippling to a thousand shards. Tipsy, I laugh at the act of rebellion against the country I’m leaving. A signpost says “No Littering”.

A week later, or so. April first is a horrible joke. Heng Boon sends a boyband song. I hate boybands but I cry anyway. A painful farewell to friends both absent and present in Changi airport.

A solitary walk to the plane.

Cloud Watching

2005-03-28T03:05:00.000+08:00

I collapsed onto my bed, my mind weary but adrenaline rushing. It's 7 am and I'm recovering from a session of wormage. I look out of my window and realize I haven't really watched clouds in over a year. Cloud watching. To some it may seem like time wasted but I never really thought of it that way. I would spend irunno, half an hour or so just lying on the couch in my living room looking out of the window and gazing at the sublime beauty of the clouds and the sky.

Since my youth (which is slipping through my fingers btw, two days left till I turn the big two-oh), I've been fascinated by clouds. I vividly recall car rides where all I did is stare out of the windscreen as I let my imagination run wild. I would visualize myself running in those clouds thinking that they looked solid and big enough to support my weight. That they would be like fluffy snow. Or I would see whole castles, turrets and windows and all in the shadows of the clouds. They're amazing and I always consider them as one of Gods greater works, being remade almost everyday.

As I watched the blue sky and the clouds piled high, an airliner lazily streaks by. For a while it seems to challenge the clouds dominion of the sky. Mans challenge to God. Who can put into the sky greater, vaster constructs. Which is more amazing an artificial being shaped by man from metal and breathed to life with his ingenuity? Or tiny crystals of ice compelled to come together to form majestic sculptures, suspended in the sky for all to see.

Sadly, we as humans are marring the sky. I can recall the flight into Philippines. All the black smoke that darkened the sky as we came in for the landing. It's depressing. Its like throwing paint on the Mona Lisa.

A thought: an existence decided by groupthink. If no one acknowledges your existence, do you exist? I act weird when I get attention. A classmate says hi in the canteen and I look behind me to see if she was saying hi to someone else. I think I don't exist.

Unasked and unexpected, someone is haunting me again.

I'm Too Sexy For My Blog

2005-03-28T01:24:00.000+08:00

Ohhhh yeah. I'm too damn sexy for my blog.

Blogger targeted marketing meets blogger insanity meets viral meme (via Thomas).

Dude. It's Hanging!

2005-03-08T16:22:00.000+08:00

Okay, this is a really really really belated thank you note to my friends back in Singapore. They sent me a care package of really cool stuff and I never posted about it in my blog. I feel like a right bastard really.

So to Tom, Edi, Boon, Delon, Justin and Jamie (her name is bolded as I forgot to write her name in the "card") thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. I wear the dog tags pretty much everyday. The Geek Pride shirt is my absolutely favourite shirt. And the CD. It made me cry. Miss you guys a butt load. Here's to missing you the whole year round.

Oh, and Tom, about the boxers. WTF? Never thought you thought of me that way. (although I have to admit I'm wearing them now, hence the slightly absurd title.)

Oh. Also via the L^P mofos, The Ladder Theory. It may just save your life.

Beware The Ides of March

2005-03-07T19:58:00.000+08:00

I'm no Caesar but I have cause to be wary of March coming around. Age has a funny way of sneaking up on you and before you know it, BAM! You've been rear-ended by time out of your teenhood into your twenties. Jeez, I sound like an old geezer. Next I'll be complaining about my bladder acting up or something.

So I'm not that happy about the state of things in my life. Or at least where I am in life now. I'm not leaving my teens with much of a sense of accomplishment. I still have three weeks to work on it though. See, I've managed to move on from crippling pessimism to bleak optimism so I'm making progress.

Oh wait. Could being a guest speaker twice already be called an accomplishment? I guess it only counts if the aforementioned talks given weren't to meh schools and my transference of knowledge made minimal impact. But that's just how I look at it anyway :P Whoops, slipping back into pessimism here.

Midterms was completed two weeks ago. The previous week was college week in my school which was almost a waste if it were not for the seminar that was given by comic artists. It just highlighted so much things that I lacked as an artist skillwise. However, it did teach me things which were useful so that is a great benefit for me. I didn't really know the names of the artists who did the seminar but some of them were working for Marvel (of X-men fame) which is a big thing. I guess.

Comics don't seem to hold that much relevance to me other than being really pretty pictures. The theory behind the storytelling is great and all but I never really personally got into reading comic books all that much. I think it's mostly because I never bought them or knew people who bought comics. I know some of the basics of the comic world and all but go deep and I'm pretty much lost.

I don't really remember much media having a big hold on me though, other than books and computer/computer games. I remember waking up early on Saturday mornings not to watch cartoons but to set up my knock-off NES console and play Super Mario Bros. Watching that little Italian plumber jump across brought me so much excitement as a child. I'd remember literally jumping out of my seat as I played it, stomping on my foes and timing my leaps across the nothingness.

Maybe the nostalgia I feel for video games leads me to froth at the mouth when people attack it and blame it for child violence or somesuch fiddle faddle and nonsense. Bull crap.

Hrmm.. enough of my vapid rambling. I'm probably turning into the people I hate, talking about inconsequential things. Not enough input. My brain has been starved of enriching material. As good as the internet is for a lot of intellectually stimulating activities, I seem to be using it soley for mind rotting entertainment. I need to consume media that is intellectually rich, something to make me think. To this end I have, along with my sister, purchased three good books. Veronika Chooses to Die, Tuesdays with Morrie and Eternal Lightness of Being (much <3 for the latter). I'm on the verge of devouring all of them, if I can find time to curl up with one and actually begin to read. I was sidetracked from starting on Unbearable Lightness from a pretty good conversation I had with sis.

Other lessons learned from Starbucks; I can't pull a prank and keep a straight face and they are making money off addicts. The latter revelation came to me when I ordered a Starbucks DoubleShot (capitalizing the moniker of drink is required, I assure you). It's basically crushed ice, flavouring of your choice (vanilla, caramel or plain) and two friggin shots of espresso. Two. Shots. Maybe it's not the best drink to pick for a long talk cock session in Starbucks but boy does it please the caffeine addict. It's all about taking your coffee addiction to its basest form, dropping all the crap surrounding it. The frappes the mochas and the what have you. They're selling you direct access to your high (cheaper than getting a frappe). And they manage to make it more palatable to the addict; they seek to reassure you, to soothe your nerves that while you're basically admitting that you are an addict, a slave to caffeine, you're doing it in style. You can be assured that you will be distinguished among the sea of anonnymous white paper cups emblazoned with the green Starbucks logo (which still does not make sense) because the cup that you will be holding will be designed specially for your addiction. That the cup you are grasping is used soley for that drink (Starbucks does not have any other special cups as far as I know). And that the cup will look exceedingly cute and disarming that it couldn't quite possibly hold the potent, heady and oh-so-addicting blend that you are hooked on.

On a thought that is off-tangent, I've gotten rid of the faithful stick of RAM that has hung on the lanyards of my ID's from NYP and APC. It feels strange when I think about it. That RAM was an anchor to the world of geekiness, a label which I proudly wear. One could take it as a sign of me maturing beyond labels. Or I could have just gotten tired of it making so much noise when I walked. Maybe Lystra can psychoanalyze me when she gets into the psychology course in DLSU. :P

I let myself down when I didn't complete the script for Art Apre and had to rip off another script from the internet. Feel sort of bad for not getting the script done, like I let myself down the most. I wanted to write it, to have a story done after so long. Oh well. Acting excercises for me this Saturday. I hate acting. Ask Lystra.

Oh March. You herald the culmination of a Year in this country.

Faithless

2005-02-22T02:53:00.000+08:00

I'm not quite confident over my change of course now. Yes, it's more or less my dream course, what I had originally wanted when I came out of secondary school. Yes, it's more or less the course I cried over when I found out I couldn't enter it. But you see during my days in an IT course, I think I developed a superiority complex. In my days at NYP, I was the best at what I did in my class. Okay, so I wasn't exactly the best at it in my batch; and to be honest... noone in my NYP class was really good in programming anyway. But still, I was the best at something! I was godlike! While I occasionally was frustrated by my classmates bothering me with simple questions about programming, it was still a heady feeling knowing for a fact that you are the best.

In IT, I was in my element. I was the alpha geek. I was the guy everyone wanted to be on the same group as. Please hold while I savour that moment.

Wait, come to think of it, they were only taking advantage of me. The bastards! (note to any DIT0316'ers who happens to read this: joke only lah!)

But seriously, I have doubts over this course. I know I'm not the best artist around. I just need to look at over to my left/right/front/back to see evidence of this. It drives me a bit crazy. A bit jealous. And a whole lot of scared. Its somewhat irrational I know. Why should I care about what other people are doing? I should just care that what I am doing is making me happy. I came to this course to develop myself as an artist, to improve. I can't expect to be the best at everything. I'll just end up unhappy.

Yet I wonder if this is what I should be doing. If this is my calling. I guess this is where parental influence somehow comes in. When I was a kid, my parents used to encourage my artistic talent. I remember this one time, I must have been six or seven years old, I attempted to do a sketch of my father. When I showed it to my mom, I recieved the most unexpected response. She laughed. I don't really remember my sketch looking like my father, but that was what she said she was laughing about. She was surprised at how much my drawing looked like my dad.

Perhaps that moment is the one that solidified my interest in drawing. Parental approval. Now, I don't know. I do love visual arts and computers which is why this course seems perfect for me. But is it mine? Do I own this?

Oh, and I somewhat miss writing stories. I've hardly written anything since I left secondary school, and by that time I remember getting lazy and not bothering with handing in my final composition to my english teacher (whose name escapes me now though he was one of the best teachers I've ever had). And we're supposed to write a one act play for finals in Art Apreciation class. I think this will be interesting.

Crushworthy

Jeiel's list of things that are currently crushworthy:

Stars. Specifically the song "Heart". I can hardly leave my room nowadays without having played it at least once. Gorgeous lyrics, lush chorus' and heartwrenching vocal interplays. Absolutely makes me swoon.
anacrusis/Cosette. Mia I know you had a momentary crush on the author but read this! Read from bottom up. Because Kronos is reversed in blogs.
Girls who candidly admit to reading in the lavatory.

oh the silliness!

The Week That Was

2005-01-14T14:39:00.000+08:00

Grah. I was halfway through writing this post when all of a sudden the school computer asplodes on me and I lost the things that I've written. Augh. Blah.

Oh well, for now advanced happy birthday to you Mia. If you read this before we meet later tonight, yay. If not, oh well.

I'll continue this post later on the day. *twitches* Web Development teacher just talked about the <marquee> tag. Grnff. And she was teaching about the <font> tag before. I can't count the times that I want to scream "GET WITH THE TIMES WOMAN" during classes that teach HTML.

Oh, and I'm reading The Catcher in the Rye now. On a blog I was reading the other day, the writer called teenage bloggers (or, in my vernacular, teen-angsters) cyber Holden Caufields. I thought it was fitting.

GOOD DEITY! SHE'S USING THE <center> TAG NOW

Continuation

Okay, so I've been in my new school for a whole week now. Been okay so far. Don't know too many people yet. Okay, so I don't really know anyone yet. I take a while to acclimatize to new environs and all the classes I go to already have their established cliques. Thats the problem with transferring I suppose. You don't go through that whole get-to-know-you crap (wait that sounds like a good thing actually) and each class I go to, I only see them for one subject. Oh and theres that whole introvertness thing too :P

I'll survive through, don't worry.

I do so like Art Apreciation class because my seat is practically surrounded by girls. Problem is the girl sitting next to me was reading one of those cheap, thin, romance novellas. Books that are worse than daytime soaps with no redeeming quality whatsoever. It was slightly depressing. I know it sounds like an elitist bastard thing to say, but there you go, I question my seatmates intellect just by the book she was reading. I shouldn't be though, seeing as how I have a friendster account. And seeing as how I actually log into it frequently. I think just having a friendster account disqualifies you from being an elitist bastard, what with friendster being practically that place where the proles lived in 1984. Now, on the other hand, if I had an Orkut account...

I guess thats all I can say about my new school for now.

I took the MRT too this week. By myself even. Though I never really worried much when I was riding the train (other than getting lost) this article kinda makes me nervous now. Back in Singapore the only way you'd die in train stations is if you were being a stupid idiot and fell into the tracks. Here, you can get shot at. How lovely.

Do The Hustle!

2005-01-09T23:19:00.000+08:00

So tomorrow I go to a whole new school. Good stuff that. I'm not really nervous or anxious or anything of that kind right now, but I probably will be tomorrow. See, I even procastinate nerves. Weird/interesting thing about APC. Students have to wear office attire to school for most days. It's better than having a uniform I suppose. At least you'll be responsible when you look stupid. As I don't really have office attire in my wardrobe, I had to go out and, ugh, shop. Good thing all it entailed was getting the right size and then just picking out colours. No trying out outfits or anything. Oh, and I got a spiffy new bag too, which rocks.

I think I will enjoy APC a lot more than AMA. I hope to anyway. When I was enrolling, I happened to pass by a lab that was totally dedicated to open source! A whole network of 20 or so computers just dedicated to running open source apps. Fantastic! I wonder if I can go in and play around even if I'm not a CS/IT student.

Watched Kung-Fu Hustle today. As long as you don't expect anything more than slapstick humour and great action, its an excellent movie to watch. Great humour and action although the story is a bit on the weak side. I was especially let down by the ending. It just felt very abrupt like it was put there just to end the story. The love interest was also a huge letdown since it never really plays a huge part in the story and the way it was tied up was just too neat for me. The effects work on it is also a study in how 3d effects can be great as long as its done in moderation (Matrix, I'm looking at you). Kung Fu Hustle blended live action and 3d effects way better in its major fight scene. Think Matrix's burly brawl but better.

Burn Bridge, Burn

2005-01-06T01:29:00.000+08:00

So I'm out of that stupid school. FINALLY. As I was coming back from the mall, I passed by the school building without feeling the depression I would normally feel. It's a great feeling. Now I'm pondering whether to initiate bridge burning ops (which is likely to take the dreaded 'e' word, effort) or to just leave that place alone. Ah well, since I'm too lazy, I'll probably just leave it alone.

So it turns out that the course I mentioned in the previous post accepts people regardless of colour blindness or not. Happy days! Tomorrow I'll see if they can let me start this semester, which starts on Monday. There may be some problems with the transferring procedures since I'm still waiting for AMA (previous school) to release my credentials but so far I'm happy with APC (Asia Pacific College).

Will I miss AMA? Heck no. Maybe the things around school though. In AMA, there were two malls within walking distance which were nice places to escape from the drudgery of school. APC doesn't seem to be near any place I can entertain myself, but oh well. At least the change of course means that I'll no longer bear a hate for my school. Another thing I might miss about AMA is the Starbucks behind it, near to UAP which was really nice for girl watching. But then again, APC may be good for girlwatching itself.

Well.. maybe I'll miss certain people from AMA. I don't think I'll be able to say a proper farewell to them since I'm unsure if I'll ever see them again.

3am.. Coffffeeeee

2005-01-04T02:40:00.000+08:00

So tomorrow I go back to school to collect my crappy results. And it will be crappy cause I let this tri go to crap. I'll be checking out another school though, mainly cause it has a course I want to go to. I want to ditch IT cause really, I can self study that quite easily. I want to do something more creative, follow my dreams and take control of my life. Or some crap like that anyway. I wonder if the course has restrictions on colour blind people entering, just like in Singapore. Colour blindness just surprises me sometimes. I was playing a game the other day when my icklest sister pointed out that the bullets I shot out were green when all along I thought they were some sick shade of brown.

Random linking ahoy!

Clever Logos. Once again I am fascinated by logo designs. I love the way they can communicate so economically. Also, the next time you see a FedEx logo, look at it closely and try to find an arrow. It's so cleverly hidden in plain sight that I adore it.
Colour Schemes. Some nice colour schemes to try out. And while we're on the topic of colour, how about a colour scheme forecast for 2005? Meanwhile, ColorWhore seems to be back up now, after a little spate of domain stealing. Hurrah!
Websnark. If you love webcomics, bookmark this blog now. Quite an insightful blog on webcomics. I've found quite a few good new comics to read through this blog.
The MatrIEx. Just read it damnit.
Anacrusis. The power of being economical with words. A great little experiment where the author writes a short story, keeping it at 101 words. It reads beautifully.
Lifehacks. Some really useful stuff there. Right now though, I want one of those Moleskine things mentioned there. Looks like a really yummy notepad. And yes, I'm applying the adjective yummy to a non-edible object.
Copper. Wonderful monthly webcomic. Fantastic art and the stories told are just imaginative, provocative and heartwarming. My fave among them.
Talking Cock. I haven't visited the website for ages but when I dropped by just now, it seems an interesting thing happened to the website during the establishment of Singapore as a dynasty. Talking Cock went down on August 11, just before the handover of power to Lee Hsien Loong on August 12. Even though it could be just an innocent little glitch, you do have to admit the timing seems suspicious.

As The Smoke Clears

2005-01-02T02:22:00.000+08:00

So it's a new year. Some would say its time for a fresh start, for you to start making changes to your life. I say meh to that. Meh to all that new year resolution crap. If I don't follow through on anything else, what makes you think I would follow through with new years resolutions eh?

So yesterday was new years eve (or as the channel German informs me, Sylvester). It was pretty exciting since its the first new years I've had in the Philippines in quite a while. Traditionally here in the Philippines, people set off fireworks during new years eve. And back in Singapore, fireworks are rare. The government hogs all the fireworks for themselves and only sets em off once a year. Here though, its a free for all. Anyone can procure fireworks and have their own fireworks display. I can't tell you how novel this idea seems to me, the Singaporeanised boy.

Throughout the afternoon, you could already hear sporadic explosions as people set off firecrackers in their enthuiasm. Sometimes they would be loud enough to shock you at inopportune moments. The fireworks display at night though, is something else. If you didn't know any better, you would think that you're in a warzone with all the constant explosions surrounding you. You'd hear high pitch screams, sounding eerily like mortar fire. You would see a whole series of explosions lighting up the night sky like flowers blossoming or fire flys scattering in the midnight air. The sound of Chinese firecrackers exploding is transformed into machine gun fire in your mind. The smell of explosives and smoke hang heavy in the air as a mass of fireworks are set off at around midnight. You have to fight the urge to find a ditch and dive into it.

As I walked underneath a tree, I glanced up and happened to see an orange bloom as another rocket lit up the sky. It seemed romantic to me.

In any case, thats how I basically spent new years eve. Here though, it seems to be more a case of quantity rather than quality. The NDP fireworks display is quite a thing to behold, seeing as how the whole display is coordinated. Here though people just set off a lot of fireworks, without any real coordination. I set off a couple of fireworks off too so the pyromaniac in me got to have some fun. Although I did break a new year tradition of mine this year. Since 2000, I've had this stupid little tradition of showering right after midnight. I wanted to be the first to shower in the new millenium, which is how that whole thing started. If you think about it though the whole shower thing seems a bit symbolic. Wash away the old year and start over anew.

So today is the aftermath, the hangover that lasts a whole year.

I wonder how many people blew themselves up over new years eve. Another new years tradition of the Philippines, causing physical hurt to yourself or others in darkly comical ways. You have your perennial classic, the firework mishap; a nice classy way to say goodbye to a finger or two or a hand even. Or you could have the indirect fire gunshot wound, thanks in large part to the fucktards who get drunk and decide to shoot their pistols into the air. Now, I wouldn't have so much a problem with that if they just shot each other and eliminated the problem all together, but when they manage to shoot up bystanders... I think Lystra was quite close to adding a new catagory of new years eve mishaps: the ham cutting accident. There was a dead pig that required slicing and Lystra just happened to be wielding a knife. Which she just happened to lose control of. And quite coincidentally, my hand just happened to be in the way. Close call.

'Tis a new year. The smoke rises and clears from the debris of the past year. Its been a year for new experiences, a year for doing the same old. A year for radical changes, a year for staying the same. A whole damn year for regrets.

I came to my homeland to feel displaced. Wretched feelings of homesickness still grip me.

I refuse the change.

I felt the glimmer of hope, yet I let it go.

I've grown closer to family.

I've grown a little more mature.

Wasted

2004-12-18T02:25:00.000+08:00

This post is more than a tad late, but hey, what can you do about it? Thats me :P

Friday night was Lystra's gig with a band from church. She got invited to play the rhythm guitar for them, roughly a week before they were to play a gig at a church members birthday party. During this period of time, we actually managed to experience most forms of public transport.

On thursday, due to a band practice over at a jamming studio, we took the jeep (local form of public transport) without dying/getting mugged/getting lost which I consider a bonus. We were with the other band members though so I guess we were pretty safe. I wonder what will happen though if we took it ourselves. Probably one of the above things will happen so yeah. Anyway, their jamming went pretty decently. The vocalist showed off his previously unknown (to me and Lys anyway) talent for screaming which was pretty cool and the musicians polished their act more. I actually got to play the bass a couple of times cause their bassist wasn't there but I probably just looked like a poseur.

So friday was the actual day for the gig. We met up with the band at church so that they could get last minute practice in before they played the gig. Among their lineup of songs is Hellsong by Sum41 and one of the funnier moments of the night was when the band actually contemplated practicing hellsong in the sanctuary. In front of two pastors. They turned to each other and asked each other, "Do you want to practice..", their question actually trailing off before they mentioned the actual title. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the irony.

After the practice they packed up their gear and we were off to head to the gig. The pub they were playing in was somewhere near paco park and we were quite a ways away from there, so again we got to experience the marvels of Philippine's public transport system. Since we couldn't get a taxi or a FX and it was getting pretty near the starting time of the party the band decided we should take a bus there instead. Hurrah. It's quite a different experience than taking a bus in Singapore, I can assure you. For one thing, they still have bus conductors to go around collecting the bus fare, and if you're small enough you probably can fall out of the bus through the window. Lystra was actually too scared to sit by the window and forced me to take the window seat. Heh heh.

Unfortunately, halfway through the bus ride, we got caught in a traffic jam. After maybe half an hour or so of sitting in the bus while it was practically at a standstill, we finally had enough and took to the oldest form of transport known to mankind: we walked! Walking turned out to be much much faster than vehicular traffic. It was different I guess. Usually the places we're out walking about in the evening would be at really nice places like Eastwood, but that night we were just walking on a main road. It was a very different experience and it turns out I really am quite suicidal when it comes to crossing streets. I crossed the street in front of a tricycle and the driver shouted at me, something about running me over or something to that effect. Hah. Bite me.

So after walking, we went on to take a FX. Basically a FX is like a mass taxi. The vehicle is some sort of van-like thing and a few people would ride it along its route, getting off at their convenience. It's main advantage over the jeep (jeepneys kinda work the same way) is that its airconditioned so its a more comfortable ride. It was kinda packed though. So with that I end my chronicle of how we got to the gig. Basically we just walked the rest of the way and a guy met us to bring us to the pub.

So now we're at the pub. As the band walks in, people shout something along the lines of, "Now the party can start"! Hmm, this is so going to make Lystras ego get oh so big. Sigh. The pub wasn't really that great but eh, it was adequate for the party I guess. Lots of comfy chairs so Lystra couldn't hog all of them. There were actually, ahem, hostesses in the pub, but they were mostly ignored and they kept out of the way. I guess it was still too early for them to do their, err "work".

Amongst the bands who played only their band, Corny-something, had a punk rock sound. The rest were either alternative or pop. Before the band actually went up on stage, one of them (I think it was Don, their vocalist) suggested the B word. Booze. So they actually performed in a buzzed state. At least they didn't start really drinking until after they performed their set. When they went up to perform, the band was introduced as a band from church (which was funny/embarrassing considering the drinking) and Lystra was said to be imported from singapore. Ha ha. Anyway despite being buzzed, the band performed pretty well. Amongst the band who performed that night, they were the only ones who had a punk rock sound so thet distinguished them from the other bands. Their performance was well recieved, even recieving shouts for more after they had finished their set.

Afterwards, we just sat around talking, having beer (freeflow!!!) and just watching the other acts. It was a blast and we got to know the band members better, who were really quite fun to hang out with. Got pretty buzzed with all that beer too. Had maybe 4 bottles or something. Most of the attendees of the party left at around 12 and we decided to head home too, but not before the band was actually invited to hold more gigs in that pub by the owner. Good exposure for the band I guess.

Anyhoo, pictures of jamming/gig

I Feel Like 2,458.98 Bucks

2004-12-12T11:52:00.000+08:00

Found something interesting while I was self-googling. My blog is worth B$2,458.98. I feel so rich. Well, comparitively anyway. Most of the blogs I've linked to (Thomas, Regan, Words With a Payload, ) aren't worth as much as mine. Take in mind though that the valuation attached to my blog is just a concept and has no real fiscal worth, so I'm not really sure why I'm celebrating over this. The only blog that blogshare has connected me to which has a higher valuation than mine is Leon's blog, which is worth B$2,922.82, and that's without anyone even touching his stock.

If you haven't figured it out yet (huzzah for being condescending), BlogShares is a virtual stock market game with blogs as the commodity being traded. Though I never really got into it (and don't really understand it), virtual stock markets are a interesting things. There has been research that shows virtual stock market games have a predictive power. I heard about it a long time ago but I forgot all about it. It's a very interesting concept since it attaches value to something intangible. I suppose it reflects the status of a blog in the (gag) "blogosphere". The higher the readership of a blog, the higher it's value.

But right now, I'm more interested in it as a tool for evaluating blog connectivity. Blogshare seems to connect blogs to each other by looking at the links that are posted in the blogs. It then shows the links that go out of and into a blog. It seems to me that it could be a really hacky way of implementing trackback. An interesting thing I've found is this Gary LaPointe person who seems to have linked to my blog. I've actually come across him before in my self googling sessions when his site would appear in the results (not sure of the search terms), and I've always wondered why the heck he comes up. Now I know, he just linked up to my blog. Now, the question is why he did that and how he found me. I don't think he's in any of the communities I lurk in.

Hrmm, gotta wonder about the person who played around with my stock though. He bought stocks in my blog on the 1st of November and then sold it all by the 7th (my posts that time), but I don't think I wrote anything really that good to make my stock go up. I'm guessing he was just trying to pump up the price of my blog or something so he could make a small profit. So he probably didn't read my blog at all. Heh.

Ah well. Value of other people's blogs may go up or down now since Regan decided to use his economic eductaion powers for evil and play around with BlogShares. Other Virtual Stock Market games in which you could trade concepts.

Lowering Expectations

2004-12-05T21:31:00.000+08:00

Looking through my christmas list again, I feel its too expensive really, so here's revision 2 of my Christmas Wish List. Less expensive I suppose and easier to procure. I don't think HL2 is even available for purchase here.

Good music. Something along the lines of classical stuff. Something along the lines of Vienna Teng I suppose. Although you can surprise me too and get me something else if you think I would like it.
Something caffiene related. Not necessarily coffee, but strange exotic caffiene related paraphanelia. Could be some sort of energy drink, a shirt that relates to coffee, caffiene soap, ANYTHING!
Something geeky. I want something to wear my geekiness on my sleeve. Literally. Think stuff like ThinkGeek apparel. Stuff so obnoxiously geeky only geeks will get it.
Board games? Kinda on the expensive side but board games are really fun things to play.
Messenger bag. As much as I heart my current one, its really kinda on the large side. Maybe something more along the lines of this. In size anyway, not that bag specifically.
Clothing. Clothing would still be good. I once joked with Lystra that socks would be good (I only have white socks!), but no, no socks please. Or underware (sic). In fact, underwear would be quite a disturbing present to get.
Books. Suffering from a dearth of reading materials now.

Come In, The Toilet's Fine

2004-12-02T01:36:00.000+08:00

The shirt I'm wearing now has a depiction of naked boobies and a guy who looks like he's playing with his single ball. Disturbing. I only realized it while I was brushing my teeth and glanced at the mirror. I don't usually look at the mirror. Scares me too much. Share the pain.

I have also quite possibly stumbled upon the greatest song for geeks/nerds (take your pick, but I stand behind my claim that geek>nerd). Why Do You Have So Much Fun Without Me". The song is so liberally littered with geek-isms. Such lines as, "I'm writing code at home on friday night" and "I stay up late on IRC" just endear this song to my geekiness. Although the song itself is of the electronica genre which I don't quite like, this song is staying on my playlist purely because of the lyrics.

Short post today cause I don't really have anything else to say. Oh wait. Link just posted by Tom on IRC. Harvard Sucks. I remember someone at school mentioning they wanted to go to Harvard (whether it was serious or not is up in the air) so this goes up here, even if none of them ever really come here.

Goverment Issue Angst

2004-12-01T01:42:00.000+08:00

The title is weird, I could as easily have made that "police issue", but the image of G.I. Angst is just too deliciously ludicrious to pass up. Imagine some sort of ripped emo guy, hair combed over his eyes with thick black plastic spectacle frames. Grenades strapped on a bandolier and packing serious heat, ready to kick Unamerican Butt. G.I. Angst! He'll probably bore the enemies (Cobra Commando yo!) he fights with his constant whining though. Much like the angsty whining I'm about to deliver here. (cue evil laugh) Bwahahaha. Haha. Ha. Irunno, I'm beginning to think G.I. Angst sounds more at home with the bad guys.

The angsting is for later, now we make stupid little observations.

Didn't mention it in my last post but it was raining for pretty much the whole day yesterday. It was a light rain but it was constant downpour. As I've mentioned before rain makes me happy. There's something about the smell of the air and the play of the raindrops on the skin that just gets to me. However in the morning I came to learn that source of that constant rainfall was a typhoon that hit hard, causing flashfloods and hundreds of deaths. Two observations I can take from this. I'm so disconnected from local news that it's not really funny. Actually, I'm quite disconnected from current affairs in general, which is really a bad thing. One should always know what's happening in the world around him. Secondly, isn't it kind of morbid to think that the rainfall that made me happy was, at the same time, also killing people? It's grimly poetic in a wierd sort of way.

I seem to have a penchant for idolizing assholes, at least on the internet anyway where they are far removed from me. Maddox, Fr057m0urn3, Tucker Max. I relish their writing for some reason or other. I mean, in real life I'd probably hate these people if they exhibited their asshole-ness so openly but when separated from these people by the barrier of annonyminity the internet provides, I just have to laugh at their exploits. I know it's quite juveneille but there you go. I'm a bloody hypocrite. Actually, I have a theory that in every person, there is an inner asshole just waiting to get out and rip someone a new one. It's just that we're too bloody nice and just reign the asshole-ic tendencies in. Speaking of a-hole's, hi RGR :P

I suppose there are ways to express your tendency to be an asshole in a much more creative ways other than constant swearing/putdowns or outright bashing. One example that leaps to mind is my favourite comedy musician, Tom Lehrer. His songs, to me, seem to be words of a grade-A bastard cleverly wrapped up in nicer forms.

I won something at school. Woop de bleepin' do. It was just an English essay thing, nothing that big but I got P500 for winning it so I guess that's good. To celebrate, I went down to Starbucks to have a White Chocolate Mocha. Whee! Well actually, that P500 went to paying my sister back money I owe her, so I guess it all evens out. There's also a certificate for it though I don't place much importance on it. I don't really buy into the cult of pieces of paper defining the worth/potential of a person. Although the certificate might come in handy for when I finally apply for some other college.

Okay, angst time. Skip this paragraph if you don't want to read about my patheticness. Still here? Okay, someone tell me how the smeg do you get over someone? Cause I don't think I am. I was just too distracted by a percieved vibe of go-away-I-dont-want-you-here from her to do my work in class properly. It just made me way too restless, I'd even go so far as to describe a slight heartache. The nausea was dispelled though soon enough. I think whatever feelings I have for her border on selfishness. I'm not sure if I really do care for her.

The Parental Silliness Clause

2004-11-30T04:56:00.000+08:00

My Christmas wish list:

Halflife 2
A new mouse. 2 button mouse'age is killing me.
Clothes, cause I do need new clothes
Plane ticket(s) to Singapore :(
Oh, and a girlfriend. <angst />

I'll be getting broadband soon as the parental units have finally decided to sign up for broadband. W00t! Maybe I can consider that as a Christmas present, although broadband is really more of a necessity nowadays.

New experience for this post: you know how in supermarkets they'd have these little stall things that let people sample product for the express purpose of enticing them to buy, buy ,buy. Ever had alcohol sampling? Seeing as how we had a lot of time to kill before Chubby and friend turned up, me and Lystra decided to walk around the supermarket in boredom. In the "Spirits & Liquor" section, there were two of these stalls set up. One encouraging you to buy Gilbey's gin and the other hawking Baileys. Needless to say, we tried both. Baileys is quite a good drink. File this under "things you'll never experience in Singapore" I suppose.

The past week I didn't attend school becasue I was under the impression that they were having some sort of sports fest which I was loathe to participate in, hence the school skipping. Turns out though, that the sports week was moved forward. My only remark about this is SNAFU. Situation Normal. All F***ed Up. I never really participated much in sports days even back in Singapore. I developed the habit of skipping sports days from primary school, when my mom just dismissed sports days as a waste of time and let us (me and my sister) stay home. It's habit forming skipping school events :) The only one I ever really attended was my Sec. 5 sports day which was meh.

The result of not going to school for a week though, is the development of absurd sleeping patterns. As much fun as waking up at 1-2 in the afternoon can be, the reprecussions when school comes back can be bad. Especially when the day you resume school starts at 8 in the morning. Heck, it's currently 4:47 am as I type this out and I probably have to go to school at 7. Can you say w00t? Meh so so so fecked up tomorrow.

Self reflection. You know how people say, "if you can imagine it, you can do it"? I don't know about it. In my mind I can imagine myself being not mute in real life conversations. However, when it comes down to real life conversations, my brain seems to disengage and people are left talking to a slackjawed mute. I need to do something about my quietness in real life really. Sometimes I feel as if I'm two different persons online and offline.

On the music front, found another band to feed my addiction to emo music. Arco. The vocals just sound so forlorn and longing, accompanied by subtle instrumentals. Go download em if you like emo music. I've listened to all five of those songs about three times now. Three times and counting :)

The Parental Silliness Clause. When one or both of the parental units commit an act of silliness, you are allowed to keep the change from the food that you've bought for them.

Finding Me

2004-11-25T03:32:00.000+08:00

The journey we take to finding our truths is a strange one. The paths we'll go down as we attempt to find our identities will be strange and unmarked, with no real way of knowing what is ahead of us. They'll never ever be clearly marked and the signs only serve to confuse us more.

And perhaps we'll never even find our truth, our identity in life. Perhaps we'll just meander along a path and settle down upon it, never really going down other paths. Maybe instead of finding the way that is for us, we'll just let the road wear us out, grind us down till we fit the road instead of the road fitting ourselves. Maybe we'll find ourselves content to live life in the halflight, the twilight, forgetting our dreams of feeling the sunlight.

And what if even when we do encounter the sun, the truth, we'll not recognize it for what it is so blinded are we by the dark that the even the light seems to just be darkness to our eyes. I know I have yet to find my path in life, and I'm just not being helped by the signs. A man sitting on a peak, two books on his lap. One espousing living life simply, the other telling him to do everything. A movie on love that seems so true to you yet on careful consideration, it goes against the very things that you profess to believe in. A song telling you that feelings shouldn't be thought when you know they should be carefully considered.

Right, enough with the halfbaked philosophy. I watched The Incredibles today instead of going to school. Can Pixar do no wrong? Visually, it's amazing. Sometimes it almost looked like they were filming incredibly lifelike puppets, so much so that I sometimes thought of the Thunderbirds. The writing was also top-notch. It's a story about people being persecuted for being special, about people that just want to make the world a better place, a story about a family bonding together. Throw in clever jokes about hero/villian stereotypes, geniunely funny moments and well developed characters with great dialogue and you got movie gold. Here's to Pixar and may they continue kicking all sorts of ass.

Tuesday. We were walking, The girl and I. Not alone, yet we were walking beside each other. Inadvertently our hands slipped into each others, an innocent happenstance. It was just a fleeting moment. I was puzzled by the sudden warmth in my hand and just as suddenly as it happened, we withdrew our hands. Or she withdrew her hands. I wasn't quite sure what I did except continue walking as if nothing happened and it passes without mention from either of us. Yeah it means nothing, just felt the need to write it down.

Later in the cinema, another show of social incompetence. We're walking down a dark flight of steps and I offer my hand out to steady her, but being the social genius I am, I never say anything. I mean, she eventually takes my hand but only after she says something about it. Hurrah for being too shy for my own good.

Dreams

2004-11-23T02:29:00.000+08:00

This posts is too long overdue. I just can't bring myself to write as much nowadays. Maybe I'm scared of stumbling over the truth in my writing. When I write, I have this lofty goal of teasing out, at the very least, an infestimal amount of truth. Of achieving clarity of thought, to open my eyes to what is real, gain some insight. Okay, so maybe most of my posts just serve to journal what has been happening in my life and don't really have any deep meaningful insights but still, at its something to strive for right?

Politics

So guess who's been voted into a into a position of questionable importance. No, not the Canuckian prime minister (although that is admittedlly a post of questionable importance). I've just been voted the most smexy person in school. No, that is a sad faced lie too *sobs*. Actually, I've just been elected to hold the office of External Vice President of the (future) Pasig chapter of the Junior Philippines Computer Society. Hmm.. actually, after checking the HTML of their website.. now I'm not sure.. font tags! table layouts! spacer gif's! Heaven help me if my head doesn't asplode. Come on... we're in 2004 already and a website by purported "Computer Professionals" has HTML that is not up to the best web practices? Scandalous I say.

Right, now where was I before I got sidetracked? Yeah so I'm now the External VP of my school's chapter of JPCS. There's actually two VP positions, an Internal VP and an External VP. I'm not quite sure what the difference is actually, all I know is that the internal VP is somehow higher in rank than me. Don't ask me how it works, I was quite lost during the whole voting process. It was so strange and formal to me. It was all "motion this" and "second that"; "the floor is open" (ahhh! I'm falling in!) and "the floor is closed" (it is dark, you are likely to be eaten by the floor).

How did I even get myself into this mess you ask? Blame it all on people who nominated me (looks at B2) and who voted for me (looks at sis's bf). I was perfectly fine with sitting through that meeting and doodling in my notebook, except they had to nominate me. Argh. And the thing is the people in B2 have considerable influence among the people there, so they managed to get other people to vote for me too. At least I didn't become the internal VP. Sounds like too much work. Hmm, come to think of it, if they were actually more politically minded, they might have just put me up there to have someone in power.. hmmm.. I can see all the bribery going on now.. mwehehehehe *gleefully rubs hands together*

Dreams

I'm supposed to be over her right? I'm supposed to be out of my state of limerence, to move on from her and find somebody else. So why did I dream of her the other night? Earlier in the night, while I was out drinking with Lystra and her BF, Lystra teases my refusal to drink tea by saying, "You want to be drunk cause you're thinking about her right?". In my semi-alcoholated state I protest with "No, seriously, I'm over her". When I think about it now, it sounded more like I was trying to convince myself rather than Lystra that I was over the girl.

As I slept fitfully that night, I had a dream about her. We were sitting alone in at a table. I guess it was a restaurant, I couldn't really be sure, I can't remember now. I sat across her and somehow I told her. I told her how I felt about her, how I liked her, or had liked her rather. In my dream I was also supposed to be over her by then. So I also told her that my feelings for her had waned. I can't tell you if she said anything or not for my memory of the dream is really a blur, but I remembered she stood from the table and walked away without explanation, leaving me to sit there by myself. I suppose I must have watched her as she walked away. At least thats what I would have done if I was me. But some time later, she came back and sat beside me. I think we ended up talking, which somehow led to cuddling or something. Erm. Yeah. I'm inclined to think it's all a product of alcohol, my loneliness and seeing my sis and her bf, but I don't know. I don't dream a frequently so dreams are somewhat special to me. What do you think? Do dreams hold hidden meanings, or are they just constructs of escape, fashioned by our minds wishful thinking? Personally I'm inclined to think the latter.

Misc.

School was kinda interesting last week. Low points and high points but at least I didn't have to sit through classes wondering what the hell I'm doing there not learning anything. Last week was foundation week which is, I guess, to celebrate the foundation of the school although I don't see whats there to celebrate about. Crap crap crap crap school. I seriously don't think I will learn anything there that is going to be relevant or applicable to the field that I want to go into. I'm wondering whether to quit school now like Lystra, except I haven't really found another school to go to yet. Or maybe I could actually start working on a plan for that business idea that I have buzzing around in my head. Ah well, better stop before I go off tangent.

During foundation week, they converted a few of the classrooms into booths. There was a wedding booth, which looked a lot like a vegas chapel if you ask me. It was pink and had hearts all over, quite cheesy and gaudy. Really made me think of a wedding chapel in Las Vegas. Also had a karaoke booth where I pretty much spent most of the time cause there was nothing else to do. Don't worry, I didn't sing. There should probably be a multilateral treaty signed by all countries that makes me singing a crime. I bet it would be the first (and only) time when the UN process would actually work quickly, but I digress. There was a karaoke booth (or as they like to call it here, videoke) and people sang. That's all that can be said. Well, she sang and I'm reminded of what a lovely voice she has.

Besides the booths, I was made to do an introduction to PHP. Eugh. I hate. Public. Speaking. It went as well as a seminar in which the attendees didn't really want to be there could go I suppose. I was hoping for a smaller turn out really, but meh. Oh well. I just plowed through my material, which I had stayed up until 4:30 am to prepare. Somehow the profs seem to have the impression that it went well. Ah well, at least I got a lunch out of it and err a plaque of appreciation, which my parents seem to want to display in the living room. Personally, I'm trying to think up of creative ways to destroy it but so far, all I can think of requires a gun and one of those disc throwing things.

The dating game part of the foundation week was fun though. Lystra's BF, who I shall refer to as Chubby was made to take part in it. He's supposed to be one of the three mystery men in the game. It was.. illuminating, to say the least. Illuminating and hilarious. His replies to the questions asked are GOLD! Girl (who was hot btw): "How would you pick me up in a club?". Chubby: "Hi, I'm... boy". Doubleyou. Tee. Eff?!?! The boy is stupid in a nice kind of way I guess. But seriously... "Hi I'm boy"?

I'm currently in the process of coming up with a new design for my blog. It's gonna be a fun ickle design, or at least bright anyway. Watch for it soon!

Everything that is beautiful does not last in this world. All we hope for is to hold onto the memory of that beauty and then to reflect it into the darkness and sparesness of the world.

The Vestiges of the Week

2004-11-11T02:20:00.000+08:00

This is a pretty long post. You should skip to the end if you're not really interested in what I've been doing. As usual, click on read more to read the post.

But a summary in links:

It's been an interesting week so far.

Friday

Last Friday (lets just include it into this week for convenience shall we), we went out for dinner with the cousins. Well, we planned it to be with the cousins but only Mia turned up cause she lost Joren in some highway. Yay for losing siblings! I want to "misplace" Lystra sometimes. Besides Mia, A (I think the pseudo/acronym so conveniently meshes with my post) joined us for dinner by way of an invitation from Lystra. Meh, I can live with it. I can accept the fact that it was mutual but still... meh.

So dinner. It was really really really really good. I think you should go ahead and insert a few more "really's" in there. It was oh so good. The main course was pasta and we had a bottle of red wine to go along with it. The pasta was quite delectable, I had a seafood variant of pasta which I admit I've never really tried before, but shrimp and pasta are strangely good together. The wine picked out by our very own wine connoisseur, Lystra, complemented the food quite well. Quite a sophisticated dinner and we ordered it by ourselves. Somehow it feels like a rite of passage into adulthood, going into a restaurant without the parental units and ordering expensive food and wine. Yes, I am quite strange to think of that as a rite of passage.

But what's a dinner without conversation? Good conversation all around, despite my unjustified reservation about A's intelligence (stereotypes rule). Love lives, school and intelligence, alcoholism, Indian movies, the results of the US election (of course) and vive la revolution were discussed. More random snippets of the conversation can be perused at Mia's post about the night over here. There was a strange moment in the conversation though, where I had to hurriedly reevaluate some values. Not going to write down what it exactly was, but I need to make a note of it here for posterity.

After dinner, we adjourned to a nightspot. I can't really say much about this. It was loud (we were given a table beside a speaker, ffs) and somewhat rowdy (cue the hardcore hiphoppers) so after staying there for a while (Mia has gone home by this time) we retire to a "spot" as A called it. Somewhere in Antipolo I believe, where we went up hill that overlooked the city. I love the night. The city seemed so serene from up there, so quiet and far removed. At the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, I had my first Tequilla shot at a Padi's Point somewhere over there. Doesn't really have a kick does it? Although I did only have one. Well.. maybe add that on two glasses of wine, a vodka bull and half a bottle of lager and err... on reflection, I seem to be turning into an alcoholic, listing out all the drinks I had.

Afterwards, we head for home to try to catch what sleep we can before waking up for classes at the next day. Saturday classes are teh suck. Okay, at this point, we are quite broke. And we're still broke up to now. I'm going to think of it as a sort of experiment to see whether we can survive without money. So far so good, halfway into the week without much money and still surviving.

Saturday-Sunday

Saturday saw me sleeping most of it away (I can only attribute this to alcohol and extreme lack of sleep), although Lystra did go out with Chubby. Going to go off tangent here for a while. I think I'm as bad as Lystra for going along with giving her boys strange names. Heck, I give them strange names. Chubby seems okay to me so far. I'm giving him the seal of approval. Or something.

Sunday was family day and we packed up ye olde gas guzzler with food and headed off into the mountains, to Tagaytay to be exact. Roughly an hour or two away from where we live, Tagaytay is removed from the noise and pollution of Metro Manila. A very pleasing change of scenery and one that I think I needed desperately. Tagaytay was beautiful, something you'll never see back in Singapore. The air was cool and fresh, almost like having the air condition on. All the time. Everywhere. And the views were fantastic. Go to Lystra's Webshots page and take a look under 'Clubbing & Tagaytay Trip'. Fantastic.

If you looked throught the photo's you'd see we rode the horses. Only thing is I had to ride with Lyshiel so I couldn't go really fast. And I had to sit on the horses spine. Words cannot describe how uncomfortable having a horses spine continuously riding up your ass. Well, maybe two words can do it. Ass. Invasion. Another discovery about myself and Lystra. We are way too urbanised. They were selling kites over there because it's pretty windy over there and Lyshiel wanted to fly a kite. So me and Lystra went off to buy her a kite and then attempt to get it up to the air. Needless to say. We sucked at it. We had to fall back to our Dad to get it up into the air. Sigh.

On the way back home, we stopped by this beautiful little cafe called Bag of Beans. Their seating area is a joy to behold. It's a beautifully landscaped garden that makes you feel like you're in a different world, like you've fallen into a quiet magical nook, hidden away from the world. Each seating area in the garden is unique, one of them even being in an enclosed hut like structure. Add birds, fish, stray cats roaming around and a noisy little monkey and you've got a charming little place. It was really enchanting. Too bad the photo I took of the place didn't really turn out so well.

And here's some photos of the beautiful views of Tagaytay that I took. I just posted my favourite shots from that day and I don't really feel like posting all the pictures.

Limerence

When I wrote this in school earlier, I didn't really have the time or the inclination to write everything that I wanted to say.

The feeling has waned. And it doesn't hurt anymore. A realization that a single word brought home, cutting through the haze of confusion with the full force of understanding. Limerence.

Limerence is a state of mind sometimes referred to as "being in love" (as distinct from "loving" someone) and sometimes called "infatuation." However, the term "infatuation" carries connotations of immaturity that "limerence" separates from the emotion.

All I've been feeling and the way I've been acting. All symptomatic of limerence. No, I do not regret it. The ride was fun while it lasted. Sort of anyway, and at the very least I managed to write a poem I'm not ashamed of. I think I'll enjoy her friendship more now without having the feeling of utter nervousness around her. I do find it easier to talk to her than anyone else in school, I'm not quite sure why but 'tis true.

Etc

So it's Regan's 18th birthday today. Happy birthday you slag. Enjoy the drinking to be had and stuff. And thanks for finding out about limerence.

Political Compass. Cause political stances aren't just Left and Right anymore. I'm a -2.25 on economic issues and -3.74 on social issues. It's also brought to my attention that my position on abortion isn't really as well formed as I would like it to be. I mean, religiously, abortion is bad (mmk?) and I do personally detest abortion. I remember being shown pictures of aborted babies in secondary school and crying. It was just so sad. Yet I also believe in separation of church and state, and of the freedom to make personal choices strongly enough to conflict with my belief in that abortion is bad.

Thomas doing le parkour. Pretty cool pictures, just too bad that he doesn't have videos of it.

On a more serious note, please pray for Paully's mother. Paully is sort of like a big brother to me, and his mother is dying.

Taxi! Waitaminute...

2004-10-29T17:28:00.000+08:00

Had no transport available to me today so I had to take the taxi to and from school. It was a very.. interesting experience.

On the journey to school, the taxi driver was lethargic, to say the least. The traffic was pretty bad on the way to school and I noticed that the driver seemed to be slow to start moving after stopping and would only move after the angry blaring horns of the cars behind us prompted him to. During one of these stops, I looked over at the driver to see what was going on.

To my amazement he was nodding off in front of the wheel, his head angled down, eyes closed. I only realize now that this should have put me into panicohmygodimgonnadie mode, but at that time, I was only bemused by this fact. Quite worrying about what that says about my outlook on life. Happily (or unhappily, depending on what you think of me) I made it to my destination alive and in one piece. Come to think of it, I ought to have given the driver an extra 50 and told him to get himself some coffee.

The driver of the taxi I took to my house though was quite the opposite. He was ANGRY. By my count, he shouted out in anger to two people enroute (even lowering his window to facilitate the shouting) in addition to the curses he muttered at the traffic. The curses to the traffic I could understand, but was it really necessary to roll down his window to shout?

Public transport. Where every trip is a new adventure.

Cheesy Yet... Nope, Just Cheesy

2004-10-28T19:46:00.000+08:00

One of the things about intelligence gathering is that it needs to be analysed properly before being acted upon. I did not properly analyse the intel gathered and thus am quite stupid for worrying over it. Further intel gathered disproves earlier analysis.

Today at school I hanged out with my female classmates and someone brought along some lovey dovey stories printed out from the 'net. Your standard guy likes girl, guy never tells girl, guy dies before telling girl fare. Pretty predictable and cheesy, ending with exhortations of not puting off telling the one you love/like that you like her/him.

Shouldn't have bothered me much at all except for her presence. And another person saying how I should take heed of the lesson.

So that whole thing devolves into asking people about their crushes. And when asked about mine I say yes I have a crush, I just don't want to reveal her name. So jokingly they name the people around the table. And when it gets to her she says in jest, "If you're crushing me, I'll crushing you".

Uhm so... yeah...

Of Hair Dyes And Childhood Heroes

2004-10-26T20:35:00.000+08:00

Right, Lystra just dyed her hair but I'm beginning to suspect there's strange bimbofication chemicals that the manufacturers put into these things. Insidious chemicals full of intelligence killing "stuff" (I was trying to look up some sort of scientific explanation but meh) that seep into your cerebral cortex, turning you into some sort of zombie bimbo.

I think zombie bimbos would be quite awesomeness.

Sister was being quite a bimbo today, obsessing about her hair and generally talking like a bimbo so yeah. Maybe zombie bimbos wouldn't be quite awesome if you had to deal with them without killing them. *grudgingly puts shotgun away*

In other quite unrelated news, I unabashedly declare that 2005 will be quite the awesomeness year. Why? Three reasons. Firstly, C&H complete collection book 1; secondly, C&H complete collection book 2; and thirdly, C&H complete collection book 3. As you can tell, I'm pretty much psyched about this, so yeah. It will own so so so so much. I must begin saving up money for this, cause it will cost a dear USD $150. At current exchange rates, that works out to 8,450.25 pesos or SGD $249.39 or NZD $214.90. Geep!

I love Calvin & Hobbes so much. Back in Anderson, the school library had copies of C&H comics and I just loved reading those. I am quite embarassed for dishonouring the work of Bill Watterson however. The family car has one of those quite stupid decals of Calvin pissing on the fuel cap.

Oh, and for fans of both the Fight Club and Calvin and Hobbes. Be sure to read this essay that compares the Fight Club to C&H. Quite an illuminating article that juxtaposes the worlds of C&H and the Fight Club by making Fight Club a continuation of Calvin and Hobbes. A must read.

Oh, and I dyed my hair a really dark brown (chocolate according to the label). I would have picked good old black if I had a choice but the store didn't have black and it doesn't look that brown anyway.

PS: Dyed my hair cause I have too much grey hairs, not cause of vanity!

SitRep

2004-10-25T23:59:00.000+08:00

Scout report from the front:

SigInt indicating target has someone else in her sights. High command requires HumInt for better situational awareness before proceeding. Advise of strategical team to destroy target duly noted. Morale has been dampened by this piece of intelligence.

Ugh, and my subconcious sucks, for the past two days I've had strange dreams about her.

I'm Not Drunk

2004-10-24T03:10:00.000+08:00

How my night went:

Buzzed
Really light headed
Stoned
Sober
Buzzed
WTF!
Asshole

Eleven

2004-10-22T01:58:00.000+08:00

Ten...

I bought her the present and after much angst gave it to her. I have no idea how she feels about it.

Nine...

She saw the comic in my file and read it aloud. So cute. Still she doesn't know.

Eight...

The cure... refused

Seven...

Her cell phone. Before I lost mine, I would still send her messages, even when I knew she'll never read them. Or maybe I sent messages because I knew she will never read them.

Six...

The longing...

Five...

I doubt she's even read it.

Four...

Why do I like her? I was asked that. I have reasons but I wonder if they're enough.

Three...

If I do not at least tell her, it will be another regret.

Two...

The high..

One...

"Things are easier when you don't feel anything." I'm tempted to draw back to the shadows.

Eleven. I am too scared to proceed. I really do not want to leave this part of my life with another regret. But my feelings.. I do not know what they are right now. In some moments I like her, in others my heart is cold. Her presence in my life has made me all confused. I attempt to take refuge in intellect but.. matters of the heart is such an irrational thing. Simplistic songs of love with cheesy lyrics... her existence makes me listen to them in new light. Irrational.

We Had Seasons In The Sun

2004-10-20T01:01:00.000+08:00

On my way to school today, a westlife song was playing on the radio. When I reached school, I had to duck into the restroom for a break down. Its strange that I would break down to a boyband song.

It just reminded me so much of my friends back in Singapore, of Heng Boon in particular. I will always have memories of him singing westlife songs raucously, of the bowling alley high fives, of his lan jiao song.

Now apparently he's seen the light of good music and has turned to acoustic guitars. Heh. A reason that I really regret losing my handphone is the messages from my friends that I've lost. I remember Boon's parting SMS to me. Lyrics of a westlife song. Damn shit :)

Thomas it seems has recieved his summoning letter for NS. Thats four lp'ers down. Sigh. I wish I could be serving NS. At least it would mean I am still back in Singapore with my friends.

Also, I saw Hesters MSN nick. Damn I miss Sentosa. I miss getting sunburnt, tired and buried on those beaches.

Wanted: Muse. Old/New

2004-10-18T20:47:00.000+08:00

I'm ready to give up
Beauty
Ravish the ugly whore
Life

Truth holds no more tragedies
We're all to blame
Weep not for your heroes
They're all fucked

Damnit, if I write anymore of this tripe, I'm liable to start slitting wrists/throats. Not necessarily my own either.

What do you do when your muse has abandoned you? When your inspiration has dried up. I almost cried as I recalled the beauty of imagination:

As Every tells the story of Evermor: "When he was a child, Dr. Evermor witnessed a massive electrical storm with his father, a Presbyterian minister. Asked where lightning came from, his father told Evermor that such awesome power could come only from God. From that day on, Evermor dedicated his life to constructing an antigravity machine and spacecraft that would catapult him from the phoniness of this world to the ultimate truth and power of the next.

"Dr. Evermor believes that if he can ever figure out a way to combine magnetic force and electrical energy, he can propel himself through the heavens on a magnetic lightning force beam," Every said. "That glass ball inside the copper egg is his space ship. There's also an antigravity machine (made from an early X-ray machine), a teahouse for Queen Victoria and Prince Albert to observe the event, a telescope for bystanders to watch as Evermor flies off to his meeting with God, and a listening machine that will transmit Evermor's message back to Earth when he arrives at his ultimate destination."

I cannot invoke the muse anymore to write of things such as that. The everyday brings fleeting glimpses to beauty/tragedy yet I cannot bring myself to tap it, use it. I feel abandoned, alone.

How do you bring back inspiration? I've starved mine for far too long. I shall pretend this is a want ad in the newspaper.

Wanted: Muse. Old/New. Must be able to inspire broken spirit, imagination.

Typing Of The Dead

2004-10-17T01:57:00.000+08:00

I'm not drunk, just buzzed. Went out to Eastwood tonight for dinner and coffee with the cousins and their family. As always, fun, but for the nth time in a row (I cannot recall right now), they gang up on me and turn the coffee conversation to my non-existent love life. Argh!

They had to leave early though, so my sister and I went to grab a couple of drinks. Eh, bier is s'okay. I personally don't see why people rave on about it. Although tiredness + alcohol has made my typing go kinda wonky now. I was about to type "Yousing" into IRC instead of "Using", so yeah.

I've had Vienna Teng's CD on constant loop for the second or third day already and it's still a joy to listen to.

Snoek!/Angst

2004-10-15T01:20:00.000+08:00

I just had an impromptu chat on MSN with my old secondary/high school classmates from Sec 5/1. It was fun talking cock with them. Brought back memories of the chaos of that class. I've linked to Leon's blog. I'll add more as I find others (I think). Maybe I shall start Operation Reunite and try to contact as many people I can remember from my life back in Singapore.

Leon mentioned the story of Back to Philippines. I have a story/post churning in my head about coming back to philippines. We'll see what becomes of that. Basic idea though, is my recollections of the landings.

I'm hesitating with the present buying. I shouldn't be, but I am. I'm going to quote Vienna Teng songs throughout this post. "I've no intention of confessing today/I need to make distance a while/but miles don't make your image fade and they don't erase this secret smile".

The gift giving presents a tricky tactical challenge. Her birthday falls on the same day as another classmate. It would be tricky to give her a present but not the other. Hmm... I might need to have a pow wow with the strategerical team.

I wish I wasn't so "torpe" (which reminds me, still haven't found that song). The other guy is still making moves on her, despite her discouragements. He declared a surprise for her on her birthday. If anything, I'll probably do things quietly. "Overcome me baby/All I'm asking is to be alive for once"

Tomorrow is going to be my deadline for buying a present. In addition, I still got a letter to write, comics to finish colouring and a model to UVW map.

P.S.: Jante passed this link on to me over IRC. Caffiene Withrdrawal May Become Official Disorder. Awesomeness.

She's Coming Apart, Right Before My Eyes

2004-10-14T01:18:00.000+08:00

This deserves it's own post I feel. Over at the NS forums, someone made a post about going to a Vienna Teng concert. My curiousity was aroused since one of the titles of her songs is "Gravity", the same name as the beautiful song used in the credits of Wolfs Rain.

It turns out it isn't the song I was thinking of, but still an incredible song! A very very pleasant find. Go grab her songs. Now! Especially if you love great vocals and great lyrics.

I'm blown away by the beauty of her lyrics. They're poetic, beautiful and evoke such strong imagery. I could listen to her songs all day. In fact, that's what I've been doing today :P

My recommendations, get Gravity and Between (zip files). Heck, get everything from Waking Hour, but those are my two favourite tracks available for download.

Well look love
They've given up believing
They've turned aside our stories of the gentle fall

<edit/>

I've *gasp* bought myself her CD! I didn't go and pirate it as per usual! :o It just demonstrates the power of the internet in marketing your products. I would probably have never heard of her otherwise, but thanks to her website and, more importantly, the MP3's up on them I got hooked onto her music and I went and bought her music. I got the Waking Hour, mostly cause of the quality of the samples on her website.

The Darkness is Inviting

2004-10-13T21:02:00.000+08:00

Felt unaccountably pissed off today. It started in the morning, an unexplained swell of darkness erupted when I stepped into school. I have these moods sometimes, just general undirected anger seeping out of whatever hole I hide my feelings in. These moods tend to be a bit overwhelming for me, a rush of anger that's directed to nothing and nobody in particular.

This is why you should never piss us quiet ones off. We have a vast store of bottled up anger, lying in wait, ready to be unleashed.

I welcome it though. I embrace the black feelings of hatred toward people. I love the urge I have to hurt people that are being stupid. I enjoy the idle contemplation I have to hurt myself. "I wanted to hurt something pretty"

I'm over it now though. It dissipated as I walked away from school. I just hate my school I guess. It doesn't challenge me. It's not really teaching me much. I really need to get out of here. Hmm.. I just researched transferring to Atteneo. The application period for the next year has been over for a few months already. Crap!

Walking around the mall has been made much less fun. There is a North Face apparel store that had these manequinns with their arms up in the air. It amused me much to stop right in front of the manequinns and mimic their position. Now the staff seems to have put their arms in a more conventional position. Bleh. I wonder if my actions had anything to do with that.

Another joy they removed from malling: there's this retaurant with a salad bar, and over their salad bar is a sign that says "Endless Helpings". The "pings" part however, seems to have droppped off and now it says "Endless Hel". You can never underestimate the comedic value of seeing a salad bar that extols it's virtue of being an endless hell.

On a side note, Her birthday is coming up. I need to get her a present already. This is a huge hint to her identity if any of my classmates are reading this, but meh.

Mein Leiben! Ich Nicht Bier!

2004-10-12T19:15:00.000+08:00

Yes, title is in German. I think the only good thing that has come out of German lessons for me is the ability to be silly in a language other than English. Of course, "Mein leiben" actually comes from Wolfenstein 3D and I have no real idea of what it means other than:

It sounds funny
Germans say it when they get shot (I should try it on Phib someday)

Right, nicht bier (or b13r, if you're going the megatokyo+l33t+german route). I was supposed to go out with cousins and sister to go drink a few tonight, meh, not happening it seems.

It will be a new experience to me, I haven't really drunk bier. Wine yus, alcoholated drinks, yus, but not bier. Yeah, I'm 19 and I still haven't gotten proper drunk. So what! I wonder how I will be when I'm pish drunk though.

Here in the Philippines, there's a ripoff of the German Oktoberfest. Irunno, as far as I can tell, it looks like stupid commercialism, just a way for San Miguel to sell more beer. And they have a really irritating jingle too. Bleh.

And since we're on the topic of German stuff, here's a random stupid animation I found through IRC. Hitler Melon!. Yeah, it may be offensive to some just cause, you know, Hitler's there, but meh.

Home and C8H10N4O2

2004-10-10T02:32:00.000+08:00

Behind my school, there is a row of food places. Within that place, there are at least two coffee places, one of which is a Starbucks. Please join me in rejoicing for finding new ways to spend money on my caffiene addiction. Although to be honest, Starbucks kinda sucks and has a name and logo that makes absolutely no sense at all.

Unless.. Starbucks was founded by Captain Starbucks, the worlds foremost coffee transportation sea captain who was saved from drowning by a sea maiden when his coffee bearing frigate, the SS Decaf capsized. The sea maiden then foretold of a chain of coffee places with her face on it. That attention loving wench.

I think I'm just as bad as smokers now. I'm addicted to caffeine kinda bad. Outside my school, the smokers sit outside smoking. I sit with a cup of coffee. And it's not even the good kind of coffee. Buy cheap for the hit :/ Ah well, whatever.

Yesterday there was an earthquake here. I was doing my homework in the living room when I started wondering why I was having this really bad dizzy spell. Then I realized that the ground was shaking back and forth. It wasn't a very shaky earthquake. It was more like a very insistent rocking back and forth. Strange enough to say, it was an enjoyable experience, much like that first blackout. It's something you'll never experience back in Singapore.

Ironically enough, I had discovery channel on the television and the show that was on was about great earthquakes.

October 1 has passed with nary a rant about it from me. What was october 1? It marked my half a year here, 6 months away from the life and friends I had built up in Singapore.

I am still wondering where home is. I remember years ago, during Singapores National Day, the newspaper had this article on a Filipino family that had lived in Singapore long enough that they considered it their home. I had always imagined my life would be something like that. That I would consider Singapore my home. I had imagined that I would go through that rite of passage that every Singaporean male would go through, NS. I had imagined finding someone I love in Singapore.

Now I can't go back. I've spent most of my life in Singapore, I've grown to love it. Yet I cannot truly return. When I left Singapore, I was already supposed to be enlisted into NS. Only my educational deferrment was keeping me out of NS. Leaving Singapore is seen as not fulfilling that obligation/duty/whatever. It makes me invalid for any permits into Singapore. Maybe I can visit it, but It's just not the same.

So now, if I can't go back, where is home?

I had this thought today. You're thought processes are dictated by the language in which you think. I don't think in tagalog, heck I can't think in tagalog. Am I less filipino because of it?

Is home where your family is? In Singapore, the only family I had is my immediate family and an aunt. My friends would go and see their aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. I sometimes felt left out. Here in the Philippines, I get to see them. It's a great feeling. Theres something different about family I guess.

And if any of my SG friends are reading this, Tom, Delon, Heng Boon, Edison, Justin. You guys are like the brothers I never had.

P.S: C8H10N4O2 = chemical formula of caffeine

Goodbye Blackbird

2004-10-08T01:17:00.000+08:00

In all probabilities, this will be the last post I make on Blackbird.

Blackbird is what I call my current PC. Blackbird as in the SR-71. It's what I named her when I first got her. Although I've been calling her piece-of-shit for a long time now.

A eulogy for Blackbird.

You've seen me through my CS days. You've seen me through my Secondary school days.

You've taught me a lot. You've brought me closer to many friends. You've been a huge part of what has made me me.

But now it's time for you to go. Goodbye old friend.

Hey, I didn't say it would be a good eulogy.

Enter the new system. To continue with the airplane names, I christen the new rig Bone/Lancer, for the bomber plane B-1B Lancer.

When I get back from setting her up, I'll post her vital statistics. Btw: case comes with a window!

Bleh, migration from Blackbird to B-1B has hit some snags. The external hard drive I'm supposed to be transferring my files in just refuse to work, and I can't seem to find my crossover Cat-5. Oh well. Posting this in B-1B and boy is she a sweet ride!

3Ghz P4
1024 MB of ram
Inno3D GeForce FX5200 128mb
Dual 120GB Harddisks
LITE-ON 52x 32x 52x + 16x CD-RW/DVD-ROM drive

IGOR! FETCH THE LINKS!

2004-10-04T13:31:00.001+08:00

Meh, haven't been able to write a proper post, although there are things I really want to say. To make up for not having new content in quite a while, I shall make with the silly links!

Scientists find coffee really is addictive. No, really? You think? Found the cure for cancer then have we? I'm not quite sure what to say to this really. I do so love my coffee, but I don't think I'm seriously addicted to it yet. Give it time I suppose :D Seriously though, kinda useless research there..

Speaking of useless research (see how I segue so smoothly from that to this? huh? huh?!), how about them Ig Noble awardees eh? To honour the best in Science and humanity in general, we have the Nobel prizes but what about the offbeat kooky research! How do we recognize the scientists who have put in such effort into discovering that herrings communicate with each other by farting? Or the great humanists that have assembled a nudist library?

Halflife 2: A Link to the Past. Way. Too. Cute. Wouldn't it be funnier though if Link got Gordons beard? I tell you, midgets with beards: way too funny. Or scary. Or scarily funny.

In other game character related news, GameFAQs is holding another character face off and the final survivors, the ones that have clawed their way to the top bracket are Cloud (whiny spiky hair dude of FF7 fame) and Link, who should require no introduction at all. If he does, you have failed at life. I think the choice in this very important election is quite clear, and if you're not convinced, please let me point you to this well written post about why you should vote Link for 2004.

Watch this space for a new webcomic. Though my involvement in it is kinda small, I'm just doing the colouring for Auntie Janet cause he sucks too much. The actual hair colours I came up with for the characters are actually much weirder than the final one, mostly cause Jan-tor didn't give me any specific colour scheme that he wanted so I went all CGNU on it. Here's the first colour scheme I did up for him (hope you don't mind me posting this up here janet):

I actually find the pink hair quite fetching for the Sarah, but meh. Jay (yes Mia, Jay) does look like a bimbo with blonde hair though. And yeah, it's not the best colouring evar, but whatever. Also, telling people that you colour a webcomic sounds like you use crayons or something.

And now, I shall go back to memorizing conversion factors between the Imperial and Metric measuring systems. Seriously, the world should murder the imperial system with a spoon already and switch to metric. Then we wouldn't have problems like AIDS or wastes of money like the Mars climate orbiter. Quite possibly I shall make a proper post by today, but don't expect anything.

Now With 15% Less Angst!

2004-09-29T01:37:00.000+08:00

Okay.. this isn't the actual post I had in mind for breaking the angst cycle on my blog, but uhmm.. NADD took over and made me lazy in writing it (if you're reading this Tom, "Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!").

First up, an interesting find from the Natural Selection Forums. If you're reading my blog, it's likely that you're a geek/nerd (take your pick) and if you're a nerd, you're likely to be a afflicted with Nerd Attention Deficiency Disorder. Some symptoms of NADD: insane amount of multi-tasking (tabbed programs, ie: firefox, just feeds this), control freakishness over computer setting (looks at Edison) and inability to focus BUT when you do get focused, you get insanely focused.

I can attest to the last symptom. I have so many project left unfinished cause of me losing interest in it, but the projects that I have managed to complete usually had me going at it for long periods of time with zeal and focus.

It's not all that bad though. For some jobs, like programming, having NADD can be a good thing. Another thing geeks may have is autism or, more likely, it's more milder form, Asperger's syndrome. Here's a good read on it over at Wired, and there's even an Autism Quotient Test you can take to see how Autistic you might be. It's not a defenitive diagnosis tool, but it's there for you. I think I scored around the upper side of the mid 20's when I took it the other time.

On a different note, a redeeming thing I find about the malls around my school, where I'm pretty much forced to hang out in, is that they have art galleries! I find myself spending time alone by myself in these malls, and the art galleries just make me happy.

Walking around the galleries, looking at the paintings, I find that it's an intensely personal activity. I can spend time gazing at a painting without being forced to move along 'cause the person I'm with is bored. I can spend time analyzing it, seeing how it affects me, what I like about it, how it makes me feel. Generally though, at least one art gallery would only have what I call "hang-em-ups", paintings that don't really evoke any feelings and are there just to decorate the house.

I've also come to the conclusion that if you're going to go to a coffee place, you have to bring along a good book OR good company. Sitting alone in a coffee place just drinking coffee is the lose. Also, Starbucks mochas in Shang taste really really plasticky and must be avoided at all cost. Go to Coffee Beanery, Mocha Blends or Figaros for your coffee fix instead (Figaros also smells especially delicious).

Oh, and weird/funny incident at school today. I was climbing the stairs behind these two girls on my way to class (at this point, I'm wondering if one of them would fall down cause she was wearing heels. Hey, I have weird thoughts) when I notice they're giggling and that one of them glanced back towards me. I'm weirded out but in my head I just go "okaaay" and just shrug it off.

So we head to the same floor and I was walking past them as they went into a classroom when one of them says to the other in a loud voice, "You want to know his name?" (in tagalog). In the classroom, you could hear the other girl protesting which amused me somewhat. Not really flattered, I'm not flattered easily, but it was funny in a way. As I walked away, the first girl called out to me and asked me to introduce myself to the other girl.

I kinda knew the one who called me cause, well, she's quite chio, not my type though. Just cause it's funny to make people slightly uncomfortable, I turned around, went into the classroom and poked my head in to say hi. I even went as far as to extending my hand for a handshake (they have something about handshakes here...) but it wasn't reciprocated. Walked away from that incident quite amused but with a slight ding to my ego as, while I was going away, I heard the girl saying something about "Not my type!" in a pretty loud voice. Not in a mean way though, but still.. mah ego!

Gotta wonder though.. is this karmaic payback for the Neil incident?

Countdown: 2 days to Half

P.S.: Marmite sucks.

P.P.S.: Peanut butter owns your face, especially the crunchy kind.

Best. Advice. Evar.

2004-09-22T08:20:00.000+08:00

Wow. Look, another post on feelings. Don't worry, I'll make it short, just wanted to thank Paully for the advice he gave me.

paully_slag@hotmail.com wrote:

bleh.. that is nothing! just don't get too serious too fast. She is way too young.

I think his advice is just what I needed to hear. I've been agonizing over my feelings too much, taking it too seriously. Thanks you red-bearded bastage!

Edit, cause I didn't want to make a new post. This is now in my school file.

Megatokyo, strip 613

Expectations Converse, Reality Swingback

2004-09-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

18th September 2004

I'll remember this date for now. Some dates possess a beauty to them. Yesterday was September 17. It's not a date that I'd call beautiful. 18th September. There's something to the way it comes off your lips. The tone, the meter, Eight'eenth of Sept'emb'uhr.

I'll remember you, for now.

Whats so special about you? (as I type this, it's now officially 19th of September, 00:00) You were a Saturday, a school day, a rainy day, a hazy day. A day that almost broke my heart.

You started off clothed in haze, a noxious grey veil that concealed your beauty, that engulfed the city. A day perfect for misery when the air you breath ends your life.

And later, when I was feeling morose, when I was feeling down, from the heavens you sent the unselfish lover. You made me smile as I watched her fall, as I watched her dance, as she washed away the clinging veil that hid your beatiful face. Rain makes me smile so much, so much emotions get uncovered. I remembered my other her, while the rain fell. I had so much I wanted her to know, so much I wanted to know about her. She made me happy.

Then I saw her again. Expectations converse. Sometimes I feel like my love/like for her has waned, simmered. When you think about the person you want, you have all these expectations. You project it to the person you fall for and unfairly you expect them to be That One, the ideal that you created in your mind. Expectations converse. Talking to her makes me realize that she isn't this image, that shes reality, not my imagination.

It almost cured me.

And I was almost ready to take the cure. To give up, to start forgetting. As I watched her go, I contemplated the cure. To take it would have set my world right. To take it would have meant to creep back into the shadows of loneliness. It would have meant coldness, moroseness, but it would have set my world right. No longer would my heart take flight when I'm around her. No longer would her presence befuddle my mind. No longer would I smile over the little things about her. Back to the Emptiness that defined my world.

But in a moment of serendipity I realize, that is her beauty. She is not from a fantasy. She is from reality. I love/like her for who she is, not what I think she is. Reality swingback.

PS: I know I promised something about my last post about her...

Redesign Retrois?

2004-09-16T10:11:00.000+08:00

If you're still seeing the old layout, click here to load up the new one.

Ignore the crappy attempt at a french joke (redux, deux. retrois, trois. get it? sigh nevermind). <thought/>'s 3rd redesign is up baby! This version isn't the final yet, but I've been itching to post my new design for quite a bit now. Hmm... lesse.. first Mia redesigns, then Lystra and now me! I see a pattern here. Does my family redesign in phases?

I dub this stylesheet Clean, and as always you can choose which style you prefer to view the page in under Alternate Stylesheets, all the way down in the navigation bar. And what is it with the blue blogbar? It seems to be able to blend in with all of my stylesheets.

Tweaks I need to make on the design:

I need to tweak the whitespacing. Right now, clean seems to suffer from crowdedness of text. Text needs to be further apart to make reading it less of a pain.
More graphics. You can never have enough graphics in your webpage! I am trying for a minimalist approach to Clean, but it could use a little icon or two here and there.
Colo(u)r tweaks. I sorta like the not-quite-black main text color I'm using, but it does make the design look too soft. And I'm not quite happy with the hover color for the menu text.

I didn't make much changes to the underlying XHTML. Just a few new hooks for when I finally get around to enhancing the page with javascript, and to show the comment count in the archive pages. Oh, and just to show off a neat new thing I added to the stylesheet.

Look at the purty quotation mark! Isn't it pretty! I find myself using <blockquote> quite a bit so I thought it would be nice to spruce it's presentation up some

And ColorWhore is such a neat site. It's like a free color inspiration book! And some of the colours run in a series that inspires me. I can definitely see some colour schemes I want to use in future designs there.

Geek Olympiads

2004-09-15T21:27:00.000+08:00

Geeks rule. We have our own olympiads to celebrate each countries best geeks. It's kind of fitting. Geeks sound so much like greeks eh? [Sidenote: etymological root of geek is kinda bad compared to nerd].

Man I wish I could be smart enough to take part in the programmer olympiads. The people you get to meet there must be incredibly mentally stimulating. Philippines is probably too poor to field a team though.. heh.

Wonder if these olympiads will ever garner attention like the atheletic olympics. Heck, even the special olympics get some attention..

What's In A Name

2004-09-15T01:02:00.000+08:00

Here's a cool little meme by Mia. List down all the names people know you by. Mine will be really really short I bet.

If you call me...

Jeiel (correctly pronounced). You either know me or have a knack for pronouncing people's names correctly. My name is so weird to read that I've been resigned to people mercilessly slaughtering it all my life. You could also be Regan, the only online friend I have that calls me by my proper name.
Jail/Jeh-ee-el/(insert mangling of my name of your choice). You're attempting to read out my name and failing badly. I can tell by the way you're scrunching up your face as you puzzle over how to pronounce my name that you're about to call me and I'm readying myself to correct you. If you're smart you'll ask how to pronounce it. If not you'll just steamroll over it to get it over and done with.
Jei-eel. You're my primary school maths teacher Mr. Goh Tiak Hee. I hate you.
Yo !@#$. Either you really hate me, or you're one of my close friends from Singapore. It's probably the latter since I don't know enough people to get them to hate me yet. Oh and YO DAMN SHIT!
ZeroByte. You know me from one of the forums I frequent. Fastfood, Natural Selection, TAF. Take your pick. Prolly only well known in TAF and Fastfood though. You could also know me from deviantART or the pixelation forums. If you're from the pixelation forums, you should be thanking me for click-to-zoom! Actually if you call me ZeroByte, you could be almost anyone who knows me online. It's my primary online identity. IRC, Forums, etc.
Ancient One. You're an old timer from the Brainchild Design forums, the first forum I was ever active in. You were part of the community when I was one of the more popular guys in that forum. Somehow through all these years you still remember me. And possibly Bloodat (I forget his original name) and Baraka.
Hun. You're Bunny bint! My online granma! Although you call everybody hun really... You need to get your blog back online Michelle! If you're reading this, take care of yourself in the UK granma!
ZB. You're from #abandongames or #danwa. You're a lazy bastard and shorten my nick ZeroByte into ZB. You also probably call me other names... but.. they're unmentionable. This is a PG-13 blog damnit!
Kuy/Kor. You're Lystra. You want something from me or just want to annoy me with more stories of your boys. Love ya ;)
Lystra's bodyguard. You're a friend of Lystra, probably calling me that cause I had to go with her before my parents allowed her to go. Being the big brother means you're the KJ (killjoy, learned new slang terms today). Or you could also be one of the guys from my class in AMA. I just want you to know I hate you all.
Kuya Je. You're either Mi or Jo (Joren needs his journal Mia!). I'm stil kinda weirded out by people other than Lystra calling me kuya, but I love you guys :) You guys are the best. It's incredible that we can still click together like that after all those years.
Genius. You're one of my former NYP classmates from DIT0316. I miss you guys muchos! You call me that cause I'm the class nerd and you want to ask for my help :D I didn't mind though as long as you were learning something.
Oi. A classmate from B1 cause I still haven't introduced myself. :P
ChemiKhazi. You're playing Natural Selection with me. You're probably Singaporean and you're probably talking cock over the voice comm. If I'm playing commander, you're probably pissed at me. If I'm a Gorge you're probably pissed at me too! I miss playing NS and I miss the SG servers.
Marine Na Bei. You're playing Counter-Strike with me. That was kinda fun till it got stupid. Oh well.
[LoTC] God of Lag. You're the L^P mofo's playing Warcraft 3 with me. You're also probably bitching about the lag I blessed the battles with. I so love my PC.
Coconut. (new) You're my cousins and Lystra when I came back to Philippines for a vacation. You sang the whole coconut song as a way to tease me. "A coconut nut is a big big nut...". Yeah.

If you can add anymore names for me, go ahead and leave it in the comments.

Stability Achieved

2004-09-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

These past few days/week have been quite unkind to my mental state. I had gotten so nervous I was having moodswings. One moment I'd feel unaccountably peaceful, another and I'm brooding. I put it down to the issues I've been having with my feelings for a certain girl. Thinking too much about things. Argh.

Finally, today she came to school. Just seeing her made my day, but it also put things back in perspective. I'm definitely not head over heels in love, but I am attracted to her.

Is it bad that my attraction isn't the heart thudding kind? I don't know if I can call it a deep attraction either. Matters of the heart are so not my specialty. I can say and will say that she makes me smile. That being near her makes me happy.

We talked as friends today. We both had a break in between classes and we just talked to kill the time (there's a story behind this too but I don't want to over analyze. maybe if you asked me. maybe). It was fun, finding out little things about her. [Sidenote: I didn't have to employ the Regan ploy] She's nicer than I realize, also we're kinda similar but not. Found out that I use the same shampoo as her. Never noticed that even though I loved the scent of her hair. Almost kinda like a shampoo commercial when I caught a whiff of it the first time XD. Little beautys abound in her :) (ugh sappy).

Also, she put my mind at ease about the whole non-replied SMS thing. Turns out she's just not getting them. Some phone/SIM thing (unimportant now). I'm happy now. Stability achieved. I'm content. At least I know we're still friends. Can it develop further? I don't know. For now I'll go with Plan A and not get freaked out into going for Plan B.

I'll try to make this my last post solely about her. Hopefully now I can move on to writing about things other than her. Which is probably a good idea cause I might actually link her to this someday...

Music Makes Me Happy

2004-09-13T11:07:00.000+08:00

I just feel the need to make a music recommendation post. I've just recently had a few bands introduced to me that make me really really happy. A whole different genre from the ones I recommended in my last music recommendations.

First up, we have Love Me Butch. This recommendation comes by way of P3k. They're Malaysian rockers and damn do I love them. Rocking, JTFU-ing, moshing-in-your-room music. At times brooding, but always kicking your ass with their music. Get The Protector at least, if you just wanna rock. For a slower sound, go with It's Over In Space. Never Ending Tunnel is a ass-kicking combination of harsh rock and sweet slow vocals.

For punk rock, I don't think you can go wrong with Pilot to Gunner. Rapid 'choons, much like machine gunners. Not exactly uplifting but hey, they make me happy that's all I need to know. On second thought, go read 3hive's review. I don't think I do them justice. Oh and Lystra, the song that I woke you up with is It's So Good To Be Here In Paris. The songs available are just samplers. So now I think I have another band to my imaginary CD wishlist.

Bloc Party demonstrates 3hive's impeccable taste really (they were on the 3hive five once). The rock this group has put out. Damn. Bloody. Good. Irunno. Again I'm at a loss on how to describe their greatness. It's not a kick-ass-jump-up rock, but it feels like what rock ought to be. There's a purity to their rock. Or maybe that's just my anglophile-side kicking in. They sound like Brit rockers (well cause they are... ehh). Anyway, get all of their downloadable songs. You won't regret it. If not, at least toss a coin and download either Staying Fat or Banquet

I Weep For Humanity

2004-09-12T22:48:00.000+08:00

Okay, maybe the title shouldn't be so melodramatic. I'll just weep for the Singaporeans who put their blogs in Blogger. The "Next Blog" button on the blogbar is such an amazing tool for finding blogs. I found quite a few great blogs (for living vicariously through :D) but my journey through the jungle that is blogspot was not without dangers.

I cannot believe how many Singaporeans have blogs and I equally cannot believe how many of them make me want to take a tire iron to the authors faces. Or maybe just to mine, to end my misery.

So without further ado, here's the blogs that I've found so far that are worthy of reading.

Deus Ex Machina: Singaporean Blog. Intelligently Angsty, Funnily Insulting. Kinda reminds me of Tom in real life. Tom's blog is so sedate compared to his real self.
Kitabkhana: Fascinatingly intelligent. I think. I haven't actually read much of it, but a quick glance through the posts make me think that reading it would be quite enjoyable.
No longer studying abroad Peter Krupa: Quite a chin scratching title for a blog. Not because it's intelligent, just cause it's strange. The writer has some genuinely funny writing, but I do so wish I could write about love/like as eloquently or at least as coherently as he does in Going to Plan B

I'll probably find a few more blogs that I like through the "Next Blog" button, and a whole boat load of blogs that'll make me despair for humanity. I'll post any more gems I find at a later time. And of course, feel free to check out the blogs I've linked up too. I guarantee that none of them are mind numbingly stupid.

Do me a favour though. If you don't see me online in the next few days, look for a news article about somebody who bludgeoned himself to death in front of a computer while reading a website.

Most likely aforementioned website will be written in AlTeRnAtE cApZ and would have had you click at least 5 javascript alerts before you can enter the site (I'm serious about the javascript alerts too).

Mental Note

2004-09-12T10:06:00.000+08:00

Talking to Regan, reading his blog. I really ought to start reading up philosophy texts. Quite a few of the people I consider important in my life or influential to me do the whole philosophy thing. It's intimidating, but it kinda attracts me (no Tom, not that way you gay bastard) in the intellectual sense.

Irunno, I have the yearning to expand my mind beyond the technical things I dabble in. I just don't seem to have the drive to actually go out and find these books. Maybe a library (school library sucks). Hmm. Or I could go bug my cousins about lending me one of the plethora of philo books they seem to have.